


· blurry polaroids · l.jh × y.kh ·

by smoshyphantrash



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Angst, Anxiety, Childhood Memories, Dementia, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Memories, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Service Dogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2019-10-13 22:09:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17496287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: The polaroid pictures in Kihyun's mind are slowly fading away with time.





	1. · polaroid one ·

**Author's Note:**

> Please do not comment on these stories if you're giving unsolicited advice or criticisms. I'm tired of researching diseases or writing from personal experiences or from my dreams and nightmares and getting a long drawn out rant about basically how I'm lowkey being offensive, ill-educating, calling me ableist, etc. I've spent three weeks writing this first chapter.
> 
> I don't write to educate, I write to INFORM or ENTERTAIN. I am not a certified educator, I do not know everything. And since I got this comment on my story His Manipulative Touch, I've got to say this on anything with sexual abuse or assault.
> 
> -The best option is to get to a hospital, have a rape kit done. Don't wash off beforehand. 
> 
> -That is not the only option, but it's always the victim's prerogative to handle their situation how they want it done.
> 
> -This does not include a "typical" sexual abuse scenario/reaction. (I'm assuming that's where that person was getting to, how the victim wasn't acting how a victim usually does?) But then again, what is a typical sexual abuse scenario?
> 
> Please, if you don't like this, just leave. Don't make it known you don't like it. I'm tired of defending myself. 
> 
> With that being said, enjoy.

At the ages of four and five, these two boys meet on a playground. Their mothers instantly apologizing to the other for whose child pushed their son down. "Kihyun, apologize to him now." 

The five year old didn't understand, his brother could easily push him down and not have any repercussions taken up with him. Alas, the little boy gave in, mumbling a timid apology to the younger.

"Now, Jooheon," the other mother smiled. "Tell him you forgive him."

The four year old didn't care. He wasn't hurt and he honestly wanted to play with the five year old. The younger boy smiled and gave his elder a hug. He then asked his mother if they could play. Their mothers had no qualms about it watching them as they went to play on the swings. And there is was, the beginning of it all.

~·~·~·~

Jooheon grabbed a box full of polaroids labeled 'kihyun + jooheon 1998 - present' and took it to the living room. He was putting together albums by years. 20 albums for 20 years of knowing each other, loving each other. Polaroids were Kihyun's favorite things. To hold an instant physical copy of the memory you're currently sharing was all in Kihyun's livelihood. It was Kihyun's livelihood. It was Kihyun.

"Baby," Kihyun whined, coming from the bedroom. "Where are my keys?" He asked. 

Jooheon's body froze ever so slightly. "Where they always are, hanging up there with mine." Kihyun looked up and chuckled softly, embarrassed by his blunder. "Where are you trying to go? Give me a little bit to put these photos up and get Sadie ready and I'll take you."

Kihyun groaned. "I can go to the store without my dog and my boyfriend for once." Jooheon's face fell softly. Normally, being called a boyfriend or girlfriend wouldn't bother many engaged people. It bothered Jooheon and it worried him. "I'm fine to go alone." Kihyun insisted on going by himself. 

Discouraged, but not defeated, Jooheon sighed, putting the pictures away. "I'm taking you, end of discussion. Don't be diffic-" Jooheon caught sight of his fiancé's appearance. "Where is your bracelet? You're not going anywhere without it." Jooheon was that protective significant other. And for a valid reason.

"Not on me. I'm not going to wear it. It makes me feel... Uncapable." Kihyun was beginning to cause a scene, even in the comfort of the own home. 

Jooheon grabbed Sadie's vest as he called for her. "You're acting like a..." He began to criticise Kihyun's mannerisms before realizing that wouldn't be wise. He didn't want to send him into a panic attack. "You're so lucky you left it in here..." 

The moment Kihyun laid eyes on that damn bracelet, he began to get upset. "No!" Kihyun yelled. "Don't put that fucking bracelet on me Jooheon, I mean it." Jooheon sighed, ignoring Kihyun's request. He wasn't lucid at this point, not knowing what he was talking about.

Jooheon was quickly getting irritated. "Stop acting like a child, Kihyun and put on your damn bracelet." The regret crawled up Jooheon's throat almost immediately as he noticed Kihyun flush red.

Well, the sleeping bear he wasn't trying to wake had risen. "My name is Yoo Kihyun, I was born November 22, 1995. You are Lee Jooheon, born October 6, 1994. You're a year older than me. We live in America right now, we grew up in Seoul before moving here around the ages of eight and nine. My doctor is Dr. Tara Jones, neurologist. She works at Rosewood General Hospital. Our best friends are Hyungwon, Wonho, whose name is Hoseok, and Minhyuk. I'm almost 24 years old, we have a dog named Sammie, she's two years old. We both graduated from Willow Creek High School, I was valedictorian." Kihyun's fuse was none existent as this bomb went off. "Now that you've let your crazy ass boyfriend prove he knows some shit about himself, can he fucking go to the store alone?" 

Jooheon sighed softly. Sadie came into the room on account of his whistle and sat waiting for her service vest. "You were born in 1993. You're a year older than me." He snapped the vest together across their shiba inu's chest, grabbing her leash.

"Is that not what I fucking said?" Kihyun asked, crossing his arms.

Jooheon shook his head. "No. In fact, you got my birthday and year right. You got your own wrong. You are 25 years old, turning 26 this year. This is Sadie, her name isn't Sammie. Now, your doctor is Dr. Samantha Jones, not Tara. We graduated from Ridgeview High School. No, you aren't going to a store alone." Jooheon grabbed his jacket and keys. "Because you also forgot that you have PTSD, and you're very sensitive to the anxiety attacks that you get." Kihyun sighed, beginning to head outside. "Uhm, Ki..." Sadie ran up to Kihyun's side and sat down. "You're her handler."

Kihyun begrudgingly took Sadie's leash. "Anja," he commanded, leading her to sit by him. "Good girl, let's go." Kihyun was clearly upset, but Jooheon knew it was going to pass eventually. Kihyun couldn't hold a grudge. He wouldn't ever hold a grudge against anyone, even when he needed to.

As Jooheon drove, Kihyun sat quietly, Sadie sitting in front of him. It didn't take long for him to complain about his bracelet again. "This makes me feel stupid. Like I can't do shit for myself. I feel trapped, uncapable, disabled." He didn't mean to be offensive, he was upset though. "I don't want to wear this fucking bracelet."

Jooheon turned into the Target parking lot. "Baby," he sighed softly. "I know you hate it. I hate to see you wear it. But it's your medical alert bracelet. If you have an episode in public, I want people to know that you may need medical attention. If you're in the ambulance and they try to give you medicine, I want them to be careful about what they give you. If you wander off in the middle of the night, I want someone to knock on my door and bring you back to me." Jooheon took a deep breath. "Kihyun, I know it's hard. I know it sucks. It's hard on me too, to see you go through this." Kihyun just glared at him as Sadie jumped up on alert.

"You don't fucking know anything. You don't know and I know that because I don't even fucking know." Kihyun began to cry, Sadie climbing up into his lap. "I won't even remember having this conversation in a couple days. You don't know what it is to have every bit of you begin to shrivel up and die. You don't know what it is to wake up and panic because you don't recognize who you're sleeping next to, because your goddamn brain is wasting away since you have early onset Alzheimer's. You don't know what it is to have no control over your memories and then to be proved wrong when you're so damn confident that you finally know something. Don't fucking talk to me about how hard it is. You're my boyfriend, you're not me." 

Jooheon leaned across Kihyun's body, leaning his seat back so Sadie could correctly do her deep pressure therapy. "Then let me be more than your boyfriend, Kihyun..." Jooheon didn't begin to fight him. He just decided to do it again. "Let me be your fiancé, your husband. Marry me. You don't have to answer now, but I got you." Kihyun nodded, crying so hard that he began to feel nausea coming up his throat.

At this point Kihyun just felt stuck. Jooheon felt stuck too. They both just wanted a little bit of clarity.


	2. · polaroid two ·

Jooheon's 5th birthday party was a partial success. Kihyun never wanted to go and begged his mother not to take him. He even faked sick on that day. But he mother insisted on not being rude. So, he reluctantly grabbed the journal present he got and trudged out the door.

When he got to the party, decorations were being taken down. Was it over? "Jooheon's in the backyard, Kihyun. You can go out there," Jooheon's mother attempted a smile.

Kihyun looked around. "What's wrong? Did the party end?" He asked. He was a smart, very inquisitive little boy.

"Sadly, it didn't even start. You're the only one who showed up." Kihyun's mom allowed him outside, helping with the take down of decorations.

Kihyun made his way outside with the present behind his back, seeing Jooheon sitting at his picnic table in the middle of the yard. "Hi, Jooheon!" Kihyun tried to be excited in his voice.

Jooheon turned around, facing Kihyun as he sat down. "What are you doing here?" He asked, still clearly upset. 

"I came for you. It's your birthday!" Kihyun smiled. 

Jooheon shrugged, "I wish it wasn't." He was so sad and Kihyun didn't know what to do really to make it better. He even began to cry in front of his hyung. So he took the black book out from behind him, handing it to the sad birthday boy.

"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you!" Kihyun got up, coming around to hug Jooheon from behind. "Happy birthday dear Jooheon! Happy birthday to you!" He kissed Jooheon on the cheek, holding him tightly.

Jooheon's crying picked up, but this time with a smile. "Thank you, Ki... Thank you for coming." Kihyun smiled widely and from then on, he promised to love and protect him. No one should ever be alone on their birthday.

~·~·~·~·~

Kihyun was still very upset that he needed a damn defense squad just to go to the store. He felt like he was unable to do anything for himself. Jooheon was going to be pushing the cart while he took Sadie for a fucking stroll. He turned down to where the jelly and peanut butter was stocked. Kihyun liked a specific type that came in a beautiful glass bottle. And when he reached for it, it slipped out of his hand. Sadie pushed him back as he screamed in fear.

Jooheon sighed softly, pulling Kihyun to sit on the floor on the other side of the aisle. "Shh, you're okay," he reassured. Sadie crawled into Kihyun's lap. This is why Kihyun couldn't go alone. But Jooheon knew it wasn't time to dispute it. Kihyun needed him, and he didn't need him to scold him. Kihyun was starting to dig his fingers into his palms, crying and breathing heavily. "Here," Jooheon said, standing on his right side. "Grab my leg." Sadie was protecting Kihyun's left hand, her head sitting in it. Kihyun grabbed Jooheon's leg, quite painfully, Jooheon felt.

People walked by, staring at him. Another person with a "service dog" came near. Jooheon knew it and Kihyun knew it. That wasn't a service dog. It was evident in the way that dog reacted to Sadie. When the owner accidentally let go of the leash, everything took a turn for the worse. Kihyun screamed out, kicking the dog away from him and Sadie. "Hey!" The man yelled. "Don't kick my fucking dog, fag!"

Jooheon immediately became defensive for Kihyun while his panic worsened. He ended up laying down, Sadie laying on top of him. "Don't fucking bring your pet to the store." The man was insufferable with it.

"He gets to," he defended.

A worker was coming their way. "Yeah, because of shit like this, he's having a really bad episode right now."

The man scoffed. "We all have anxiety, get the fuck over it." He drug his dog away. It only pissed Jooheon off, especially when Sadie's vest clearly said PTSD and Alzheimer's on it.

Kihyun's episode drew to an end shortly after. The worker that was coming toward them assured them that the dog and its owner had left the store. "Kihyun, it's safe. You're okay." Jooheon helped him up. Kihyun whimpered, leaning his body against Jooheon as they walked through the aisle. Jooheon had gotten the jelly jar for Kihyun, so at least he didn't leave empty handed. "What else do you need?" He asked, lowly.

They got ingredients to cook dinner before heading home. Seeing Kihyun like this hurt Jooheon immensely. He'd always looked up to his hyung and now it's like his hyung looks up to him. It hurts. But as much as he hates taking care of him and seeing him like this, he would never leave him. Little did he know, that was Kihyun's worst fear.

As they got home, Kihyun and Sadie went inside first while Jooheon unloaded groceries. "Hey, Ki?" Jooheon smiled, setting the groceries down. "You want to go relax, take a nap? I'll cook for you."

Kihyun nodded, looking around. He was spiraling again and the fact that Sadie nudged Kihyun toward the couch told him so. Jooheon left to kitchen to see Kihyun wringing his hands. "Where am I?" He asked, tears coming to his face. "This isn't my house. Where's my mom?" Jooheon bit his lip, nervous on how to approach him.

"Kihyun, I'm Jooheon. We grew up together..." He didn't know how far back Kihyun went.

He nodded, "I know that but where are we? This isn't my house!" His panic began to rise. He must've gone back to when he was a teenager. 

Jooheon reached out for his hand. "Hold onto my hand, bubba." Kihyun followed directions, crushing his hand, desperate for some understanding. "Sit, you're okay. We're engaged now, Kihyun. Remember when we sat up one night, on your balcony?" Kihyun shook his head, sobbing in fear. "Hey, come here. Let's go upstairs okay?" Kihyun followed him, as he was all he knew. And Jooheon would never hurt him, right?

Jooheon led him upstairs to their bedroom. The sun was setting, still some coral clouds painting the sky. Jooheon opened up their bedroom french doors, leading to their own balcony. As they stepped outside, it smelled of oncoming rain, just like this one specific night.


	3. · polaroid three ·

Jooheon's silhouette was illuminated by moonlight as Kihyun snapped the perfect picture. "I love you," Kihyun chuckled, setting his picture down, camera on top of its edge so it didn't fly away in the spring winds. The rain that was forecasted permeated Kihyun's balcony as they both looked up at the stars. "Do you think we'll be together forever?"

Jooheon smiled softly. "My first, my last, my everything." His arms snaked around Kihyun's waist, standing close to his now official boyfriend. "We're only 16, but I know... I know that one day, you'll be my fiancé, then my husband." That affirmation was all Kihyun needed to know that everything was going to eventually be alright.

~·~·~·~·~

"This is how I told you I planned out my life with you. We were 16 years old." Kihyun looked around outside, fear bouncing back and forth in his eyes. "I'd asked you out, because you weren't ever going to. But you knew we had a strong love, yeah?"

Kihyun nodded slightly, looking down. "Where's my mom?" He asked again.

Jooheon never wanted to talk to him about his parents, specifically his father. But his mother wasn't a great talking point either. "She's safe, don't worry. You're safe too, you got me." Jooheon took Kihyun back inside, locking the balcony door. "Take a nap, okay? You should rest up. I'll bring dinner up here for you when it's done." Jooheon guided Kihyun to the bed.

Jooheon sighed as he made his way back downstairs. Sadie was at the bottom of the stairs. "Go," he directed. Sadie climbed the stairs making her way to the bedroom. He decided it was time to make a call. "Can I speak to Dr. Chae please? Tell him it's Jooheon." Jooheon held the phone between his shoulder and his ear, washing his hands. 

"Yes, Jooheon? What's new?" Hyungwon asked. Hyungwon was Kihyun's second doctor and also their long time friend. He knew everything Jooheon did. Jooheon often went over Kihyun's primary care physician's head to get more input on Kihyun's health 

He was hesitant, he didn't want to admit things that would break his heart. "H-He's not okay, Hyungwon." His chest tightened as he let out a cry. "He was at stage two last time you saw him, yeah?"

Hyungwon agreed, "Yeah, stage two. What's happened in the past two months?" He asked.

Jooheon didn't even want to talk. But it had to be done. "He went from losing items in plain sight to forgetting plenty of names. He forgot his birthday, he doesn't know Sadie's name completely. He'll call her Sammie, you know like his doctor Samantha. And it's so hard to determine what's Alzheimer's and what's his PTSD. He keeps asking why he isn't in his childhood house and where his mother was. Samantha said he was still at stage one and you told me he was at two."

Jooheon took in a sigh as Hyungwon began. "It sounds like he skipped right through to stage four, Jooheon. I mean, Samantha's not as experienced as I am and I can even tell she's trying to give you false hope. She's trying to tell he's not as bad as he is, because she knows you want more time with him. But the truth is, his Alzheimer's is fucking aggressive and it's not slowing down. He's 25 with stage four Alzheimer's Disease." Jooheon began crying again.

"Stop it!" He yelled. "Please, part of this has to be his PTSD. You know he loses years at a time. He had a bad episode today at the store. Can't part of this be his PTSD?"

Hyungwon paused for a bit. "It could be. Schedule an appointment with Sam tomorrow. Tell her it's a PTSD eval. She can test his levels. I can get him in the day after to do an Alzheimer's eval." Hyungwon and Jooheon talked for a bit more before Jooheon hung up.

He didn't know how much more he could take. He truly loved Kihyun with all his heart. But he was terrified of the future. He wanted a life with Kihyun, kids and grandkids. Not a big, barely filled house with a service dog and a terminal illness. "Jooheonnie?" Kihyun whined, popping up by the kitchen door. "Baby, are you crying?" He asked softly.

Jooheon looked up, tears slowly drying. "Uhm, no, it was... Onions. Some onions I was chopping up." Kihyun shook his head.

"Not onions, you're crying." Kihyun walked into the kitchen holding onto Jooheon. "I love you," he smiled. Jooheon kissed his head, telling him he loved him too.

As they sat and ate dinner, everything was okay and lucid. Kihyun wasn't completely in the dark and Jooheon didn't always have to be a light. They just sat and laughed for once. But as Jooheon learned long ago, good things didn't really last. Sadie came under the table and sat in between Kihyun's feet. He was about to have another attack. Kihyun began to cry, out of the blue. "I want my mom," he whimpered. 

"What's wrong? You just miss her?" Kihyun nodded, grabbing onto his arms. Sadie jumped up, pushing his hands away. "Kihyun, hold on tight." Jooheon ran to where he was storing pictures. He opened up an album from when Kihyun was 16. He grabbed a few photos. Kihyun after karaoke night, his first car, his first job, first prom night. "Ki. Here." He stood behind him, draping his arms over his chest. "Look, here she is. Look at how happy she is. And here? Our prom night. Remember, she was so proud of you? While the neighbors stared, she was always smiling? She was so proud of her son here, you. You found someone who loves you to the moon and back and she never left you."

Kihyun tried to calm down looking at the pictures. He grabbed the prom photo before breaking down again. "Yes, she did!" He whined, heart breaking all over again. "She left me! She left, I miss her so much!" 

Jooheon held Kihyun's head to his chest, letting Kihyun listen to his heartbeat. Then he thought a bit. "Hey, Kihyun, hold on again okay?" He had something for him whenever he missed his mother.

When Kihyun was born, his mother had a bear made with a heartbeat. Her heartbeat. It helped him sleep at night when he had to begin sleeping in his own bed. When Jooheon returned from their storage room, he took Kihyun upstairs. "I just want to sleep..." Kihyun mumbled, exhausted from crying.

"And you will," Jooheon helped him lay down. "Press on his chest." Kihyun reluctantly did so. 

When the heartbeat began, he realized what it was immediately. "Eomma," he whimpered, crying softly. He kept pressing on its chest until he fell asleep. Jooheon sighed, going downstairs to clean before coming back upstairs to go to bed.


	4. · polaroid four ·

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this talks about a horrifying death

Kihyun and Jooheon's last prom was the declination of Kihyun's happiness and sanity. Kihyun had always taken care of Jooheon and here, it permanently changed. 

Earlier in the day, when they took pictures, Kihyun had been able to hold Jooheon up and spin him around in the park, just in their casual clothes, and then later in their prom suits. By the next day, he didn't even have the strength to stand. Everything was crushed for him and that's where this all started.

Despite his memory loss, he could never forget what happened that day. March 29th, the day his life ended. Prom had ended, a couple hours before post prom was supposed to begin. 

Going to post prom was mandatory if you had gone to prom, unless your parents told you not to go. They'd gone to Kihyun's to change and get ready to go. They never returned to their school.

~·~·~·~·~

Kihyun hated going to Samantha. He much rather preferred Hyungwon, but she wasn't supposed to know that. Jooheon hated her too. Kihyun hated how patronizing she was, it was almost unhelpful to him. "Hey guys!" She smiled softly. Jooheon and Kihyun faked smiles, shaking her hand. "We're here for a PTSD eval? Why not an Alzheimer's eval?" She seemed confused yet offended anyway.

Kihyun shrugged. "That's not what we're here for." 

"He had a huge breakdown yesterday yesterday, it was a day long series of them, basically." Kihyun sat down in the chair across from the doctor, Sadie positioning herself at his feet.

She nodded, taking out his chart. "What happened?" 

Kihyun sighed softly. "I went to the store, reached for a jar of jelly and broke it when it slipped out of my hands. When I was sitting, working through the panic attack, some dickhead with his fake ass service dog came up, going after Sadie. And I panicked again. When we went home, I began to miss my mother. And it got worse." Kihyun began messing with his wrists, causing Sadie to sit up, her head placed in Kihyun's lap.

"You mind talking through what you were thinking of, specifically?" Samantha asked. Jooheon began to regret even coming. Kihyun was never any good when he talked about his parents.

After the consultation with Samantha, Kihyun rushed ahead of Jooheon, leaving quickly. His emotions were worse off than when he'd shown up and he didn't want to cry in front of her. "Kihyun, wait." Jooheon rushed off behind him.

Kihyun turned on his heel sharply once they'd made it to the parking lot. "Out of everything I normally forget, I fucking wish I could forget that my parents are dead. And how my parents died. I forgot my birthday, but I can't forget the day they died? What the fuck sense does that make?" He screamed, angry as all get out. 

"Ki, calm down. You're gonna get yourself worked up." Jooheon led him to the car.

He was nowhere near done. "My mother didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve what happened to her. And I miss her daily. Why did it have to happen to her?"

Jooheon sighed softly, holding his hand. Even he remembered that day in all of its horror and vivacity.

~·~·~·~·~

"Where do you want to eat?" Kihyun asked, unlocking his front door.

Jooheon shrugged. "I don't know, McDonald's maybe?" 

When the door opened, the living room and kitchen had been trashed, arguing coming from downstairs, followed by multiple glasses breaking. "Mom?" Kihyun called, walking into the house. 

"Let go of me, Jaewon, let fucking go!" His mother screamed. 

Kihyun's heart to race as fast as his feet did. "Kihyun, don't do anything stupid!" Jooheon followed him quickly, trying to keep his boyfriend safe and out of his parents' argument.

As they boys made it downstairs, they saw a horror scene unfold. "Kihyun... Leave. Now." His father said, holding his mother tightly, knife against her neck.

"What are you doing?" He screamed, lunging toward them, halted by Jooheon. He wasn't going to let him get caught up in this.

His father tightened his grip on his wife as she tried to twist away from him. "Nothing that concerns you. Don't fucking worry about it, just leave." 

Kihyun shook his head, reaching for his phone to call for help. The moment he pressed the call button, his father moved the knife, his mother screaming out. Kihyun burst into tears, screaming as well. "No! Mom!" He threw his phone down, running to his mother, holding her tightly.

"I'm sorry, Kihyun..." His father said, cocking a gun back. "We love you." Kihyun screamed, covering his mother when he heard a shot ring out. When he wasn't hit, he began to cry harder, knowing his father took his own life. 

His mother choked, trying to speak. "Mom, stop. Please, someone's coming." He looked up to see Jooheon on the phone with emergency services. "Just hold on. Please."

She shook her head, tears streaming down her face. "I... I love you," she whispered, holding his hand. 

When Kihyun no more pressure in his hands, he knew she was gone. He looked up at Jooheon and Jooheon sighed softly. "His mother just died... Murder-suicide." 

~·~·~·~·~

That was the one thing Kihyun wished he could forget. He couldn't. Even if he was out of it, memory failing him, that's the one thing he wouldn't ever forget. Jooheon assumed that the moment that day slipped Kihyun's mind, was the time when he was near stage seven. Jooheon got used to taking care of his lover, knowing that eventually, he'd have to do everything except breathe for him.

Kihyun just wanted to go home. But, alas, he was now at Hyungwon's house. Even though it was unorthodox, they met at Hyungwon's home, safe from being seen by other doctors. "Since Samantha said your PTSD hasn't worsened, we have to do this again. I'm gonna ask you some questions, just like I did last time. First of all, I want you to remember these three words. You ready?" Kihyun nodded softly, holding Jooheon's hand. "Jar, music, wand. Jar, music, wand."

Kihyun nodded again. "Jar, music, wand." That's all he needed to know. "Also, don't ask me about what March 29th is, I might actually kill the next person who asks me about it. 

Hyungwon wrote it down, so he didn't forget. "Where are you from? Specifics." 

Kihyun sighed, tired of these damn questions. "Seoul, South Korea. I moved here when I was 10." This process was tedious.

"Name the seven colors of the rainbow." Kihyun loved colors, it should have been an easy one. He always knew.

Kihyun thought for a bit. "Pink, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple." 

Jooheon tried not to react, so Kihyun wouldn't change his answers. "When is your birthday?" Hyungwon asked.

"November 22nd, 1995." Jooheon winced as quietly as possible. He was still getting that wrong.

Hyungwon moved on. "What did you do in the fall of 2011?"

Kihyun thought for a bit. "Started going to school, double majoring in music and photography." He loved music just as much has he loved photography.

Hyungwon smiled "Good. Finish this phrase for me. 'Early bird...' Three more words." Jooheon even tried to think, but it came to him quickly. It was Kihyun's philosophy.

Kihyun thought for a while. "Uhm... Is the word?" 

Hyungwon wrote it down. "Few more. What street did you grow up on from the age of 10?" So that put him in America at the time.

"Seun Sangga." Jooheon bit his lip, looking down. Sadie was still at ease.

He nodded, neutrally. "What does May 14th mean to you?" Jooheon's breath hitched in his throat. It was Tuesday, the third day of the week. Jooheon chose that day to propose to Kihyun. Since "143" means "I love you." It was cute and sweet, but in hindsight, Jooheon hasn't realized he was going to have to repeatedly do it."

Hyungwon ran through two more, and Kihyun got them wrong. "Alright, Ki. What are the words I told you to remember?" He asked.

Kihyun froze up. He didn't know. And he knew he didn't know. Sadie began to be alert. Jooheon took his hand, rubbing it softly. "I-I don't know..." He whispered. "Babe, I don't know. What were the words? I don't know what they are." Even the simplest little task gave him so much anxiety.

"Don't answer him Jooheon," Hyungwon quickly corrected. "If he doesn't get them, he doesn't get them."

Kihyun began to panic even more. It felt like everything was going to close in on him. What were those three goddamn words. "Whatever, you can't tell me I'm a shit-for-brains because I didn't remember three stupid words. Fuck you." His anxiety was coming out in a harsh way. Sadie put her head in his lap, pressing down.

Hyungwon sighed. "It's not just those three words, Kihyun!" Hyungwon didn't sugarcoat anything like Samantha, but he was almost too much of a hardass. "Without the words, you got seven wrong. The rainbow doesn't have pink in it. ROY, red, orange, yellow. G, green. BIV, blue, indigo, violet." Kihyun rolled his eyes. "Your birthday is November 22nd, 1993, you're older than Jooheon. Early bird catches the worm. When you were 10, like you said earlier, you were in America. Seun Sangga is in Seoul. You grew up on Camden Avenue. May 14th, that was a Tuesday. And it was the day Jooheon proposed to you. Then you got the last two I asked you wrong. If you get the words, you only have seven wrong. If you don't, you get eight wrong. Try the words."

Jooheon hated to see Kihyun so upset. "Fuck. You. Bitch. Those are the three fucking words." He yelled.

Hyungwon sighed. "Kihyun, he's trying to help you. Stop it." Jooheon tried to calm him, but it only made it worse.

"I don't fucking care! He's not going to be any more helpful than any other fucking doctor. Because I'm going to make toast one day and forget that I can't put a fork in the toaster, and electrocute myself to death. I'm going to walk into highway traffic, forgetting that it's not normal traffic with stop lights. I'm gonna clean a gun, looking completely down the barrel and there's gonna be a bullet in there and I'm gonna shoot. I'm going to take all my pills at once. I'm going to forget how to breathe. I'm going to forget how to eat. I'm going to forget how to swallow and choke on my own fucking spit." Kihyun stood up, tipping his chair back with how quickly he stood up. "He can't fucking help me. I'm going to fucking die anyway!"

The tears started pouring, Jooheon pulling him to sit in his lap. "Shh, okay. Okay, Kihyun..." He didn't know how to help him when he gets this manic.

Hyungwon looked at how Jooheon held him, remembering something. "I know someone who can help you, Jooheon. You don't know how to deal with this well, do you?" Jooheon shook his head, rubbing circles in Kihyun's back as he cried. "Here, this is the number to the guy. His name's Minhyuk. He's taking care of someone else who has early onset Alzheimer's, his boyfriend as well. He can teach you how he's dealing with it. He's at stage five."

Jooheon's eyes widened slightly. "There's only two more for him... Uhm thank you. How far is Kihyun?" He asked.

Hyungwon sighed. "It's what I thought. I know it's exhausting and I'm sorry. When he's lucid, he's gonna try to do something, and I'll tell you later what that is. Take him home, get him content and call me. See you guys later." With that, Jooheon took Kihyun home.

As soon as Kihyun got home, he went to take a nap. His depression was getting worse and worse. Jooheon took that opportunity to call Hyungwon as he prepared a snack for Kihyun. "What's he gonna do?" He asked, anxious to hear what was gonna happen.

"When he reaches a certain point, he'll be very... Impressionable." Hyungwon was scaring Jooheon, although the inevitable was no longer that scary. "Basically, if someone told him to jump off a bridge, he would. At that point, he won't know what's dangerous to him at all. So, what I've typically seen is what I call How to End A Life. He's most likely going to write out instructions to kill himself. For example, he'll tell himself that when it's time to take his medicines, that he should take them all."

Jooheon sighed softly. "So, if I find anything like that, I should wait until his lucid period's over to get rid of it?" He asked. He wanted to prolong the inevitable.

"You could," Hyungwon started. "But that won't stop him from writing another and hiding it better, or getting in an argument with you. He'll probably reason with you. Telling you that he'll be putting you both out of misery. This is just a typical thing. But he might not, considering the way his dad died and how he hates him."

Jooheon hung up after that, deciding to call this Minhyuk person. "Hello?" He answered.

"Hi," Jooheon cleared his throat. "My name is Jooheon. My friend Hyungwon is my fiancé's second neurologist. He gave me your number because he said you are dealing with your boyfriend's early onset Alzheimer's?"

Minhyuk went quiet for a bit. "That's right... Do you guys want to meet up some time tomorrow? You guys can come over and see how things go over here. I don't mind that." His offer was so generous, it brought Jooheon to tears.

He sniffled slightly. "Thank you so much. Uhm, he has a service dog as well. So, I hope you aren't allergic to dogs."

Minhyuk assured him it was no problem. When they hung up again, Jooheon took care of the house, waiting for Kihyun to wake up.


	5. · polaroid five ·

Kihyun's graduation photos held no smile of his face whatsoever. Not even as his grandmother held him close. He loved his grandmother most in the world, but when you watch your parents die right in front of you less than two months prior, you can't smile.

Graduation night, Jooheon and Kihyun moved into an apartment together. Jooheon didn't want Kihyun alone, ever. He moved him into his house with his family, and he'd already planned on moving out to his own place right after graduation. There was no hassle in adding Kihyun to that plan.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Jooheon asked. Kihyun shook his head, going to their shared room. He just sat in the middle of the floor.

Jooheon followed behind, keeping quiet. "I heard one person cheering for me. My grandmother. But I wanted to hear my mother. I didn't want a smiling face to take a picture with. I wanted to experience what I saw a lot of tonight. Parents crying, their babies all grown up." He drew patterns in the carpet. "Not that I don't appreciate my grandmother or what she's done for me and how much she loves me... I-"

"You just want Mom," Jooheon started. "Your mom." That's how close they were, they called each other's parents mom and dad. 

Kihyun nodded, "She did as much as she could for me, she was only 37. She didn't have to go like that. I'd be less mad if she got sick and died. But she stayed with that abusive ass man..." He knew that it was never easy to leave an abusive person, but that didn't mean he wasn't upset.

~·~·~·~·~

The next day, it took some convincing, but Jooheon got Kihyun to leave with him to meet Minhyuk and his boyfriend. Kihyun wasn't lucid as he kept asking Jooheon where they were going, almost every fifteen minutes. They were about 45 minutes away from the new destination.

When they arrived, Minhyuk answered the door, clearly struggling with something. His arms were red, his shirt messed up. "Hey, Jooheon?" Minhyuk shook Jooheon's hand. "Hi, what's your name?"

Kihyun went to answer but lost his train of thought. He knew his name, he just forgot that he was supposed to say it. "His name's Kihyun," Jooheon smiled.

"Haha, yeah. That." Kihyun replied, bringing humor to the embarrassing fact that he'd forgotten to say his name. His grip tightened on Sadie's leash.

Minhyuk smiled, brushing past the little momentous blip. "Come in, make yourselves at home. I'll be right back." As they entered, Minhyuk retreated upstairs. "Hey, can you please let me help you? You can't walk downstairs wearing that..." A frustrated groan could be heard. "Here, put on this. Let me help." Jooheon bit his lip. That was something he wasn't prepared for, completely dressing his lover because he didn't know how to. But from the way Minhyuk sounded, he carried out the situation well, patience evident.

Kihyun brought Jooheon out of his thoughts. "What are we doing here? Where are we?" He asked. 

"We're here meeting some new friends," Jooheon said with a smile. He was attempting to be patient, despite answering this question four times before. Kihyun nodded, rolling Sadie's leash around in his hand.

Minhyuk came downstairs, holding his boyfriend's hand tightly. "Okay, they're in the living room." His lover didn't move. "That way," Minhyuk directed him toward the living room. Jooheon felt a pang in his heart. It was so sad. He didn't even know his way around his own house. "Jooheon, Kihyun, this is Wonho. Wonho, say hi." 

"Hi," Kihyun smiled, reaching out to shake Wonho's hand.

Wonho looked at him before looking back at Minhyuk. "You can go ahead and shake his hand. It's a good thing." 

Wonho nodded and shook Kihyun's hand smiling softly. "H-Hi," he mumbled softly.

He shook Jooheon's hand as well before they all sat down. Minhyuk and Wonho sat on their loveseat, Kihyun and Jooheon sitting on the adjacent couch. "When did this start for him?" Jooheon asked. 

Minhyuk sighed softly before noticing Wonho snuggling closer to him. He wrapped his arm around his shoulder as Wonho leaned into him. "Uhm, around last year. It started with him forgetting lyrics to his favorite song. That was the only red flag I needed to tell me that his memory was being affected somehow. You don't just forget the words to your favorite song. Especially when you listen to it weekly?" Minhyuk began to play with Wonho's hair. "He's very anxious now. If he's confused, he'll do this, because the one thing he knows is me and he knows that I know enough for him. That I won't tell him wrong." Jooheon nodded, watching them intently.

"Isn't it hard for you?" He asked. "You make it look so easy."

Minhyuk nodded. "Everyday is a new struggle, it gets harder and harder. I just make it look easy because me showing my anxiety is useless to him." Wonho whined slightly, turning his face. "He doesn't like meeting people anymore. He'll forget you guys in about two hours..." Wonho sat up a bit, moving away from Minhyuk a bit.

Wonho sighed. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Kihyun looked at him a bit. "I-I can take him. I kinda have to as well." It was clear that he wanted out of the conversation as well. Kihyun refused to talk about his Alzheimer's. He was still in extreme denial about having it to begin with.

"It's upstairs, all the way down the hall." Minhyuk said, helping Wonho up. As they left, he sighed. "He's not to the point where he needs help doing literally everything, but I know it's next. He's going to start being incontinent." Minhyuk heard the door close. "What stage is Kihyun?" He asked, quietly.

Jooheon bit his lip. "Four. This is next, isn't it?"

Minhyuk nodded, "Unfortunately. You'll help dress him, help him keep up with names, numbers and routines. It'll get heavier. I know you've been told, but watch out for How to End A Life. He's probably gonna try one of the next times he's lucid." Jooheon was growing even more nervous by the second.

"I don't think I'm strong enough for this." Jooheon messed with a ring on his finger. "We've known each other since we were four and five. He was the only person to show up to my birthday party, even though he hated me. We've been together forever. That's my soulmate."

Minhyuk sighed softly. "We grew up together from babies. We started dating in college. He's my soulmate too. But he has his own destiny. So does Kihyun. And it'll hurt. But you will always hold your memories with him. That's what I hold onto. I don't have the gene, so I know that I'll always remember him." This is what brought Jooheon to tears, talking about the looming death. If this happened to Wonho in a year, knowing he wasn't going to have much more life left... He still wasn't that far off from Kihyun. The only difference was that this developed for Kihyun over the span of two years. It wasn't as aggressive. But it was still taking away his Kihyun.

Kihyun and Wonho came back downstairs. "Come on guys, let's go out to eat, my treat." Minhyuk grabbed his jacket, along with Wonho's jacket.

"What are you doing?" Jooheon asked as Minhyuk opened the door.

He grabbed his keys, unlocking his car. "Making memories." Jooheon smiled softly, taking Kihyun's hand they all left.


	6. · polaroid six ·

Kihyun's promise necklace was his favorite thing in the world. It was a key to Jooheon's heart, the matching necklace. And one day, Jooheon lost his necklace. To see Jooheon so upset was heartbreaking for Kihyun. But he understood, he'd be just as torn apart if he lost his. But Jooheon, he cried and panicked about where it could be. "This is why I never ever take it off!" He yelled, throwing out the couch cushions.

"It was rubbing your neck raw and the chain is irritating your skin. You needed to take it off to get a new chain..." Kihyun tried to reason with him.

Jooheon glared at him, anxiety still rising in him. "Well, I can't change the fucking chain if I don't know where it fucking is!" Kihyun took his hand, squeezing it harshly. 

Tears came to Kihyun's eyes. "Don't yell at me, I'm just trying to help." Jooheon took a deep breath, pulling Kihyun into an apologetic hug. And he felt really stupid when it was only in their nightstand drawer. Jooheon took a picture to laugh at later.

~·~·~·~·~

The day was taxing on Jooheon, witnessing just what was in store for him. During lunch, Wonho knocked over his water, drenching his phone. We all helped to clean up. He looked around in a daze. "It's like a pool!" He smiled softly.

After everything was cleaned up, Minhyuk attempted to control his phone and it was almost completely fried. "Yeah, it is kinda like a pool, babe." He smiled to ease his words. "But you don't wanna drop your phone in the pool. We'll have to get this fixed." Wonho nodded, seemingly understanding, but not completely. It was clear when he tried to play a game on his phone. "Here," Minhyuk said, pushing his new glass of water to the wall of the booth, away from Wonho's easily accessible grasp. Wonho sat on the outside of the booth, Minhyuk on the inside. "You can use mine." 

Wonho made himself busy with his game while the food came. Kihyun slowly fell into anxiety. Sadie rested her head in his lap while she sat under the table. "What's wrong?" Jooheon mumbled.

Kihyun looked down at his plate. "I hate seafood," he said.

"That's what you ordered..." Then Jooheon understood. Kihyun realized that he'd forgotten that he usually doesn't order seafood. And it started to upset him that he was forgetting things, period. "We'll fix it." When the waiter came back, Jooheon caught his attention. "Hi, sorry, but we don't want this shrimp dish." 

The waiter furrowed his eyebrows. Jooheon took Kihyun's hand, trying to calm him. "Why'd you order it?" He asked.

"Sir, please... If we can't exchange it, I'll buy this as well, but we don't want it." Jooheon was trying to keep patient. Minhyuk looked at the pair, seeing Kihyun start to actually panic. The waiter wanted to pick a fight for the table wasting his time. Minhyuk locked eyes with Jooheon long enough to quickly look down at their hands intertwined. 

Kihyun actually began crying. Jooheon put both their arms up onto the table, elbows propped. Kihyun's bracelet glistened in the restaurant light. Minhyuk cleared his throat, making the waiter pay attention to what Jooheon was visually saying. The waiter quickly realized. "What would he like?" He asked.

Jooheon was shocked for a little bit. "Uhm, the chicken and rice please?" He asked.

"Right away, sir, do you want me to take that away?" Kihyun sniffled, pushing the plate away from him. The waiter took it away immediately.

Jooheon turned his attention back to Kihyun after thanking the waiter. "Do you need to go outside or to the bathroom?" He asked. Kihyun nodded, needing to excuse himself to the bathroom. "We'll be right back, Minhyuk."

Minhyuk shook his head. "Take your time, we'll be right here." Wonho retreated to himself, eating a little bit.

Jooheon took Kihyun and Sadie to the bathroom where Kihyun just broke down. As soon as he got in there, he fell to the floor, hyperventilating and crying heavily. "Fuck!" He screamed, bringing his hands-turned-fists to his head, hitting his temples. Jooheon grabbed his hands, kneeling down to straddle over him, being the deep pressure that he needed. Sadie wedged herself between Kihyun and the wall, keeping him from leaning back easily to throw himself against it. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" He screamed before falling forward into Jooheon's chest.

His arms wrapped around his boyfriend, shushing him and making small noises in his ear, trying to get him to listen to that instead of his panic. "It's okay, baby. I got you." He ran his fingers through his hair, rocking side to side. 

They sat there until Kihyun stopped crying. By the time the got back to the table, the waiter had brought out Kihyun's fresh dish. While Jooheon was helping Kihyun, Minhyuk was back to cleaning up a mess that Wonho had created. "He leaned on his plate when he was almost done and spilled everything in his lap," Minhyuk explained.

The rest of lunch went without problems until they began to leave. As they walked out, they heard their waiter share some quite appaling words. Now, so far, Minhyuk was a patient man. He was a kind man. He had yet to release his stress. Their waiter just happened to be the gas can that was a little too close to the fire. "I swear to God, if these grown ass men and women don't get their shit together, long enough to function normally in a society, they deserve a nursing home and maybe a helpful extra dose of medicine."

Hearing this, Minhyuk turned around. "Excuse me, sir?" He asked. The waiter came close enough for him to read his tag and he stopped him. "Daniel?" The waiter nodded. "Go get your manager, Daniel." He was straightforward with it, but our poor clueless, prejudiced waiter was out of it.

"Was there something wrong with your service? The issue didn't occur until you were about to leave?" He feigned innocence.

Minhyuk shook his head. "Look here, Danny Boy." Minhyuk had let go of Wonho at this point, approaching Daniel. He was slightly towering over him and Jooheon couldn't tell if it was his height or his pissed off intimidation. "Our service was fine until you opened your fucking mouth right over there, talking to that other little shit. What, is her name Rachel? Is she just as edgy as you? My boyfriend is disappearing from me as we fucking speak. When we leave here, he'll ask me why I'm so red in the goddamn face. And I'll just tell him that I'm hot. You have no fucking right to talk about any of your customers like that, and you damn sure don't have a right to say that about someone with a terminal illness or someone with a terminal illness along with a serious mental illness. Yes, my boyfriend is slowly becoming a child again, despite him being a grown ass man. Yes, that creates so much more work for you, as if dozens of actual children don't come through here daily. I'm so terribly sorry that we made your day harder. It's so much worse than mine at this point. You'll just have to tidy up more. I only have to take care of another human, keeping him from danger, making sure he doesn't hurt himself, making sure he doesn't stop breathing in his sleep, making sure he doesn't leave the house and get hit on a fucking highway far away from our house. My apologies for making your day just extra fucking shitty." Kihyun and Wonho had stepped into the entrance between the lobby and the outside, Jooheon standing by to listen. "I'm sure when I wake up at 3 AM to my best friend, my lover screaming and crying because he doesn't remember that he doesn't live alone anymore, I'll still be feeling shitty about how we just ruined your shift. He has Alzheimer's, his boyfriend had Alzheimer's and they're fucking dying. Every day, their brains deteriorate more any more. And even with how fucking pissed off I am right now, how evil I deserve to be... I just can't bring myself to hope that your future lover has Alzheimer's so you can truly understand what a bad fucking day is."

Minhyuk looked up as he finished his speech. This Daniel kid was pale in the face. "Sir, I-I'm so-"

Minhyuk cut him off real quick. "Your manager looks like she wants to have a word with you, Daniel." As he walked away, he realized the whole restaurant stopped. "And thus, making your shitty day even shittier... That one, I won't apologize for." Jooheon quickly followed behind him.

And as true as the sky being blue, Wonho looked up at him. "Babe, why are you so red?" He gingerly took his face in his hands.

Minhyuk shook his head. "I'm just really hot, baby. I need the AC." Wonho made an "oh" face before puckering his lips silently asking for a kiss. Jooheon looked back to see Daniel, his manager and his coworker, looking at what just happened. Daniel handed over his apron to his manager, everyone going back inside, the spectacle being over. "Alright everyone, let's go hang out at the shopping center." Wonho smiled widely, truly acting like a child at Christmas. Minhyuk later told him that one thing he doesn't forget is their first kiss in front of the fountain in the shopping center. He was going to propose there as well, but that was a quiet secret just between the two of them.

On the ride home, both Kihyun and Wonho had made themselves comfortable in the back seat, sleeping soundly. "Had Wonho done... Did he..."

Jooheon couldn't find the words, but Minhyuk got it. "Yeah... He wrote a few. I'm still looking for them all. I bought him an electric razor and practically banned all disposable razors. I'm starting to lock up chemicals. I don't completely help him with washing up, but I should always hear the shower. If I don't, I immediately check to make sure he's either getting out or taking a shit." Jooheon chuckled a little bit. 

"I just worry about Kihyun daily, without his Alzheimer's... He's a fragile soul." They pulled up to Minhyuk's house. "Thank you for today. I'll be sure to keep in contact, you're a pretty cool guy." Minhyuk exchanged the same sentiment.

When they got home later that night, Kihyun went off to take a shower. Jooheon just cried. He was overwhelmed. He tried to calm down before Kihyun came out of the shower but he couldn't. 

Kihyun walked out of the shower, towel loosely hanging around his waist. "Hey," he sat down on the bed next to Jooheon. He kissed him passionately. Jooheon was taken aback. He pulled away, but Kihyun shook his head. "Baby, I know what I'm doing. It's okay." At that point, Jooheon didn't protest anymore.


	7. • polaroid seven •

The first time Jooheon and Kihyun had sex was perfect. They were both virgins, but they knew exactly what to do. Kihyun had never felt so happy and content before. Jooheon never felt so proud before. It did nothing but bring them closer together. "God, I love you..." Kihyun whispered, leaning down to kiss Jooheon softly. "Are you sure you haven't done this before? That was amazing."

Jooheon laughed a bit. "I promise I haven't." He rested a bit before grabbing onto the back of Kihyun's shirt.  "I want a round two, baby... Can you take it?" He asked, massaging his lower back.

Kihyun chuckled, "Of course I can. Just keep up."

~*~*~*~*~

Jooheon tended to Kihyun's body, making him forget everything in a good way. "I know we're drifting," Kihyun whispered, wrapping himself up in Jooheon's arms. "And I'm sorry..."

He was scared, it was evident. "It's okay," Jooheon kissed his forehead. "We're gonna make it."

Kihyun sighed. "Are we?" The closer he snuggled into Jooheon, the safer he felt. But he knew he wasn't going to escape. Jooheon just held him closely, kissing his softly to sleep.

The morning came and Kihyun wasn't there. Jooheon was instantly sent into a panic. He could hear Sadie barking and he didn't like that sound. He ran out of the room, pants hurriedly being put on. "Kihyun?" He yelled. "Sadie? Where's Kihyun at, honey?" 

Being faced with Kihyun in the kitchen, the counters being a mess of food... He knew it was coming, but he didn't want to see Kihyun with a knife in his hands, ready, anytime soon. "I... I was fixing dinner... and I don't know how I ended up down here like this." Jooheon took a deep breath.

Patience had come into play now. "Sweetheart, it's 7:48AM... We had dinner a while ago, okay?" He wasn't sure if that was the correct thing to say, but it's what had been said.

Kihyun looked up, eyes widening as he looked at his watch. "Oh God!" He screamed, dropping the knife. Jooheon quickly grabbed it away from his lover. "What the actual fuck?! I can't... I'm going crazy. Jooheon, why me?" He asked, completely broken. "I-I'm not ready to forget so much already. I'm not ready to forget you."

Jooheon never really thought much about that possibility. It scared him just as much as it scared Kihyun, if not more. Eventually, fear of forgetting would be a distant memory, just like everything else in Kihyun's mind. There was no way to soothe him, period. But he could do a little bit to help. "Don't think about it, Kihyun... I know you're scared. Why spend all your lucid time afraid of what's bound to happen?" Jooheon was now straddling Kihyun's lap, trying to calm him down.

"Watching Wonho and Minhyuk yesterday..." He sniffled. "What, was that Hyungwon's bright fucking idea? To get used to it? Watching Wonho made me so fucking sad, Jooheon. He can't function. Hearing Minhyuk go off on that waiter, then we left? I took him outside because Wonho had begun to cry. He stopped after we walked outside and then he didn't remember what happened by the time you guys came outside. I'm not ready for this." After he let go of yesterday's baggage, he curled up into Jooheon's arms, trying to will the fear and anxiety to subside.

Jooheon kissed him softly, leading down to his neck, right under his ear. It calmed him down, as well as distracted him by turning him on. "Neither am I, Kihyun... but don't waste the time we have worrying about what's going to happen. Because then we'll lose all of that time we had." Kihyun was slowly melting into lust, calming down enough to let Jooheon roam around him. 

"Let's go spend some more of that time," Kihyun whispered softly. Jooheon helped him up, carrying him upstairs.

As they reached their room, Jooheon laid Kihyun down, reaching his hands under his shirt to lift it. When he was free from his shirt, Kihyun froze, hearing the metal clanking of his bracelet. Jooheon noticed, taking it off. "I got you, baby." He returned to pressing soft kisses all over his neck, Kihyun's nervous energy leaving his body.

When Sadie started to bark from outside the room, Kihyun took a deep breath. "Fuck," he groaned, knowing nothing good was coming.

Jooheon stopped what he was doing, preparing for the breakdown coming.

*~*~*~*~*

The first time Kihyun and Jooheon had sex after graduation was really hard for Kihyun. He hadn't recovered much, if at all, from his parents' deaths. Jooheon never initiated anything after that, at least for the time being. He wanted Kihyun to have control over something. And when he finally did, Kihyun was really craving Jooheon's touch. But he was still sad. It showed. He wasn't into anything Jooheon was doing to him. And Jooheon only felt like he was doing him without his full participation and consent. And it felt fucked up and wrong. It never had before. "Jooheon, stop..." Kihyun whispered, pushing him away. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry.” Jooheon didn’t feel like there was anything to apologize for, but Kihyun did. “Remember that one time got hella caught by my parents? I was too loud.”

That day was forever a bittersweet memory to him. Their bodies were moving the way they naturally knew how to. “Fuck, Daddy...” Kihyun had a daddy kink and Jooheon was more than happy to oblige. It was just the package deal. They fit together perfectly like a puzzle piece.

“Kihyun?” His mother asked. “Honey, it’s two in the morning, why are you up?” Kihyun’s eyes widened comically as he snickered a bit. Jooheon held onto Kihyun as he quietly burst out laughing, leaning down onto Jooheon’s chest. 

Jooheon laughed softly, “Shh, baby... I’ll just slow down, maybe we can avoid her.”

Both Kihyun and Jooheon went silent, kissing each other to keep their moans down, while Jooheon snapped his hips into Kihyun’s softly. Unbeknownst to them, Kihyun’s sudden silence after an outburst concerned his mother. When the door opened, everything stopped. “Oh, my God...” Kihyun’s mother saw more of her son and his boyfriend than she ever wanted to see. 

Despite the exposure, neither of the boys could make the first move to cover up. “Mom!” Kihyun yelled, biting his lip quickly afterward. He was embarrassed and yet, the mood hadn’t been murdered yet. Even when his father came to check up on his wife, there was no lost libido whatsoever. But Kihyun finally hid his face in Jooheon’s chest. 

“Jesus, kid...” his father laughed a bit. He wasn’t 100% okay with him and Jooheon, but instead of a “fag lecture”, Kihyun called them that, he just sighed. “We’re closing the door, but please tell me you’re using protection.” His father began to laugh more.

Kihyun groaned in embarrassment. “Yes, we’re horny, not stupid.” 

His father laughed harder. “Well, it’s possible to be both, ask us. You’re the evidence.” The door shut and Jooheon began laughing so hard, his stomach hurt.

Kihyun slapped his chest softly. “That’s not funny!” He whined. 

Jooheon didn’t lose a beat, his hips slowly starting up again. “So, when were you going to tell me that you like being in danger of being caught?” Kihyun went silent, blushing hard. “I find that so fucking hot, baby.”

Kihyun smiled softly, before frowning a bit. “I-I keep thinking about that day, Jooheon. When my parents laughed. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it yet.” He felt like he’d disappointed Jooheon, but Jooheon told him and showed him otherwise.

*~*~*~*~*

As Kihyun began crying, Jooheon just held him close, so he could listen to his heartbeat and calm down. “Why now? We can have sex so many times but the moment we make love, the pain comes back. Why?” Jooheon didn’t have any answers for him, and it was the least favorite position of his to be in.

“It’s okay, take it slow, baby.” Jooheon kissed Kihyun’s forehead, rubbing his sides softly. Kihyun slowly fell back asleep on him, but he didn’t mind. As long as he didn’t suffer a giant breakdown.


	8. · polaroid eight ·

Somewhere along the way, maybe in the later years of elementary school, Kihyun stopped taking care of Jooheon. He would always be defending Jooheon, especially growing up. After the boys grew closer because of the birthday party, Kihyun felt the need to protect Jooheon. He would get teased a lot, and Kihyun would rush to fix it. He wanted things to be easier for his Honey. One day, Jooheon was being bullied in middle school. These kids knew nothing about the sweetheart that Kihyun knew. And he called them out. "Keep your damn mouth shut about him. He's a nice kid, if you'd get to fucking know him." Jooheon had been bumped up a grade, back in first grade, which put him in second grade with Kihyun. Kids thought he was a freak for it, being a younger person in eight grade. Others were convinced that they were gay, which was obviously something that they preyed upon.

Kihyun thought it was settled, until he was greeted with a harsh slap to the ear. That's why he's hard of hearing in one ear now. "Pussy," the kid spat. "You won't do shit."

Jooheon noticed everything going on. "Hey!" He yelled, getting up out of his seat. Kihyun gasped out, watching with the rapt attention of the entire class as Jooheon punched the kid in the lip. "Don't touch him, motherfucker." He ducked the following punches, suddenly pinning the boy on the ground. "You bitch! You think you're tough shit right? Call us fags, make fun of gay people, mentally ill people, expect people to forget about it? No. Fuck no. This is the last fucking time you touch any one of us. Not one more goddamn person in this God forsaken motherfucking school!" Kihyun was scared of Jooheon, he had to admit. And Jooheon was suspended, the other boy expelled. He kept his head low from then on, until even graduation.

Freshman year and the homophobia is worse. Kihyun slowly gave into the anxiety he had as well as the depression. His father was becoming more and more abusive. He hated the time Jooheon and Kihyun spent together. His philosophy being that no teenage boys sit in a room, quietly. As if that was the give away that Jooheon and Kihyun were in love with each other. Kihyun would listen to his parents argue about his sexuality for maybe hours at a time, some times. He'd FaceTime Jooheon, crying as they listened to the words his father spoke.

"I raised a man. Not a... a fag! There's no other word to explain."

"You don't even know what his sexuality is. And when I gave birth to him, what did we say? We said 'As long as he's happy and healthy,' and that meant through almost anything. So if he came to us and told us he was gay, or at least not straight, so fucking what? Fucking talk to your son, not about him. He gets enough of that shit at school."

"See, that's what I mean. If he traded his panties for boxers, maybe he'd stand up for himself."

"You do know that he used to stand up to any and everyone?"

"Yeah, for that little boy you insisted on letting into this fucking family. Never for himself."

"Because I taught my baby to stand for what's right!"

"And being gay is right?"

"I don't fucking care! It's right in his heart, if he is! That's all that matters to me. They take care of each other. I'd much rather have a gay and happy son, than a son who literally hates whoever the fuck he's married to. He's not going to make mistakes I made."

"Wow, so now we're talking about our marriage? Our rightful marriage?"

"You mean a marriage in which you want to abandon our son for simply finding love? Where I get treated like shit? If that's rightful, maybe he should be wrongfully married."

Jooheon sang to Kihyun on nights like this. And when his parents went to bed, Kihyun would lock his door, waiting for Jooheon to climb across the tree between their houses. And Jooheon sang to him then. Jooheon's voice was Kihyun's favorite lullaby.

*~*~*~*~*

Jooheon talked Kihyun down from his anxiety attack, kissing him softly as he made sure he felt safe and secure. As he slept, Jooheon continued on with proofing the house. A knock on the door disrupted him. "Hey," Minhyuk sighed softly, waiting to ask if he could come in.

"Minhyuk!" Jooheon was surprised as he opened up their home to him. "Where's Wonho?"

Minhyuk sighed a bit. "Every week, I get one day off. He's with his mother right now." He looked around. "You proofing the house, huh?" He asked.

Jooheon nodded, leading him to the kitchen. "This is what I woke up to this morning."

Minhyuk's eyes widened. "Goddamn... What happened?" He asked, beginning to help clean up.

"He said he was trying to make dinner and then... he just ended up on the floor, with a knife." Jooheon hated to think of Kihyun like that.

Minhyuk prepared mop water. "Is this the first time he's been like this? Regardless of his Alzheimer's?"

Jooheon shook his head, sadly as he swept up the kitchen. "He's gotten worse since we graduated high school, but it started in the beginning of high school. He still wants tattoos to cover up. But every time he breaks, it sets him back, since the ink might not take to his scars." Jooheon raised his arm to show off his tattoo. "I'm guilty too, but I can't slash the artwork. Paid too much money for that shit," he joked.

Minhyuk chuckled a bit. "I have a whale tattoo on my knee, covering up a surgery scar. I was considering getting Wonho's birthday, or maybe a copy of one of his tattoos. I really like his thigh tattoo that he got rid of a while ago. Life is C Between B and D." Jooheon tried hard to figure it out before giving up. "Life is Choice between Birth and Death. It reminds me to be a good person, because Wonho is a good person. And I really didn't deserve him." Jooheon's happy heart jumped a bit. He was a sucker for a cute love story.

"Partners with aggressively progressing Alzheimer's shouldn't be the only thing we have in common." Jooheon wiped down the counters, preparing to make brunch for Kihyun. "Talk about you guy's lives before the Alzheimer's."

Minhyuk wrung out the mop, beginning to drag it across the floor. "Well, we grew up together, but at the same time, I'm totally different circles. He was the best student, great grades, honor roll. Then you had me. I'm a foster kid... That's how I gained strength. I was the asshole kid as well. Class clown, but generally an all around fuck up. Wonho and I hated each other in high school. We went to Willow Creek. But it changed when we ended up in the same night school class in our last semester of high school." Minhyuk shifted the mop and bucket around, moving to the other part of the kitchen.

"Why was that?" Jooheon asked.

Silence hung around for a bit. "We also had day classes together, and I was nothing but a fucking asshole to him. I would make smart ass remarks toward him. He'd answer something correctly, I'd mock him. I slowly saw him break down, being less active in class. I didn't think much of it until he disappeared for literally a month of school. And when I realized that we hadn't had our know it all in class, the teacher snapped at me." Minhyuk fell silent again. "This, is especially why I'm so afraid of the end... She snapped at me, telling me to actually shut the hell up. Then she pulled the class together. She sat us down, taking a deep breath. And she told us that he'd been in the hospital for an attempt. I never felt worse in my life. Not when I bounced between foster homes, not when I dealt with so many different types of abuses, no moment in my life compared to right then. I started crying. No one had ever seen me cry, ever. No one else in the classroom cried. They just felt bad for him, silently. Even some of my friends could carry on. They asked why I was so distraught. And I had to leave. I had someone tell me when he came back to school. But I started skipping more than before. When he came back, so did I. And the first day back, we were both being brought into our counselor's office. We needed night school."

Jooheon made his way over to the stove. "Did he talk to you when you guys met with your counselor?" A simple sandwich melt is what Jooheon settled on making.

"Not at all..." Minhyuk finished mopping the kitchen, washing hands to prepare a fruit salad. "And the first few sessions of night school, he was quiet then too. People were making fun of him and I caught him crying to himself on multiple occasions. And then I had enough. I stood up to everyone in there, all of my friends. I cussed them out and told them to leave him the fuck alone. It shocked everyone, including Wonho. After I lost my circle of friends, I reached out to him for help with assignments. And we started talking. The bullying was not the main cause, he was going through family trouble and to deal with hate was the feather that broke the camel's back. We talked for hours when we finally hung out. And one day, we found ourselves in a heated makeout session, passing so many milestones, yet almost forgetting how wrong I'd treated him. Until he remembered. And he told me, we could never be that intimate again. Friends, sure. With benefits? No. And I respected that. But college happened and he started dealing with very minor black outs, we called them. He'd end up in dangerous situations and I had to take care of him. And we fell for each other harder for it. He knows me, all of me. And he was patent enough with me. He changed me. I will never not love him for that. But I still feel in debt to him for hurting him so much." That was the last thing he said before they heard Kihyun coming downstairs.

When Kihyun got to the kitchen, he screamed. "Jooheon, who is this?" He asked, backing away from Minhyuk in fear. "What is he doing here? Why is he here?"

Kihyun began to spiral into panic. "Hi, my name is Minhyuk." Kihyun didn't believe him.

"D-Did you go to Willow Creek High?" Kihyun asked.

Jooheon stepped in. "Sweetheart, we went to Ridgeview. He did go to Willow Creek, but he didn't go to the same school as us..."

Kihyun just blinked, still backing away. "He looks just fucking like him," he mumbled.

"I swear to you, baby, he's not. We hung out with him yesterday, actually. He came by to talk with me, and possibly stay for lunch." Jooheon finished making the sandwich melts, there was a turkey and cheese melt or a ham and cheese melt to choose from.

Kihyun sighed a bit, taking a turkey one, leaving the room. Jooheon sighed, growing weak from his explanations. "You did good, Jooheon. And thanks for stopping me from answering... I look like someone who hurt him?" He asked.

Jooheon shrugged. "In my opinion and from my perspective, no. But I'm not him. Grab a sandwich and turn on the TV." Jooheon quickly put the situation out of his head, just focusing on lunch with Minhyuk.


	9. · polaroid nine ·

No one took Kihyun seriously. No one except for Jooheon. And he'd destroy the school if it meant getting the justice Kihyun deserved. These pictures, Jooheon kept away from Kihyun, just so he didn't see them and so that he didn't destroy them. They were disgusting polaroids, revealing polaroids. And apparently only Jooheon and Kihyun found them to be illegal polaroids.

High school was hell on Kihyun and Jooheon. Not only was bullying a thing, getting good grades hard, maintaining a social life impossible... They went to an awful school. One that did nothing about what happened to their student body.

Jooheon kicked himself for not being around when those fucking pictures were taken. Kihyun didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to have them pasted in the boys' locker room. He didn't deserve to have anything happen to him, he didn't deserve to be violated in more than one way.

Kihyun walked into the boys' locker room, listening to some guys laughing. "Did you say no homo before all of that?" He heard one guy laugh.

He walked in to see 18 sets of eyes turn to look at him. "What?" He asked. "What's going on?"

One boy, the boy who orchestrated the entire ordeal, stood up. "Kihyun, it's okay to be gay. Nothing wrong with it. But don't take it to everyone else. Don't you have a boyfriend?" He asked.

"Why?" Kihyun asked. Jooheon and Kihyun didn't label themselves, trying to cut down on the homophobia, even though neither of them were 100% gay.

The boy shrugged, Noah was his name. "Oh, it just looks like you're pretty close with Jooheon. Especially in this picture." He flashed around a polaroid.

Kihyun snatched it out of his hand. It was a picture of him and Jooheon kissing in front of their tree. "Where the fuck did you get this from?"

Noah fake shivered. "Down tiger, it's not hard to find your locker combination." He laughed. "But wow, does he know yet?" He asked.

Kihyun felt nauseous and dizzy to his core. "Know what?" He asked back.

"Kihyun, goddamn it!" Noah scoffed, waving a stack of polaroids. "You were all over me at that party. How do you not remember?!"

White. Kihyun saw white. Kihyun was white. He snatched the polaroids out of Noah's hand. "Because I know goddamn well I wasn't. I am whatever you guys want to call me. A fag, a pussy, a know it all little bitch. But what I am not... I am not a fucking whore!" He yelled, running out of the locker room.

His teacher wanted to stop him from leaving the gymnasium area, but he just kept going until he got to Jooheon. He was in Stagecraft, in the workshop off the auditorium. He ran. He never had strong lungs so he was getting weaker and weaker, but he was not going to stop until he got to Jooheon. He burst into the auditorium. Jooheon looked up from his drilling to see his boyfriend huffing and puffing, trying to hold off tears. He knew something was wrong, especially since Kihyun would text him if anything was and he almost never came to Jooheon's class without talking to him. "Hey, Ms. Davis. Can I borrow your spare key? I'll be right back." Ms. Davis tossed her key to him, as he jumped off the stage. "Come on," Jooheon whispered, taking Kihyun's hand.

Davis's room was right across from the auditorium. As soon as Jooheon and Kihyun walked in, Kihyun broke down. "How fucked up was I at that goddamn party?" He asked, heartbroken. "Jooheon, please... I don't want to look at these."

Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows, tracing the motion of Kihyun's hand. He passed off the stack, and Jooheon felt his blood rush to his head. He took the pictures from him. "It's gonna be okay, baby..." He whispered, taking a look at the first picture.

"Don't fucking tell me that!" Kihyun screamed, breaking down into screaming tears. "I-I don't remember this party! I remember getting there, drinking and waking up with you in my bed at home. Tell me what happened!" Jooheon looked at all of the pictures, laying them out on a nearby desk. Kihyun watched over his shoulder, nauseous taking over him. "Oh, Go-" was all he could get out before running over to the trash can, vomiting up everything.

Jooheon grabbed a paper towel, dousing it in water from his water bottle. "Shh," he whispered as he came up behind him. "I got you, baby." Goosebumps spread far and wide over Kihyun's body as it shook. He pat Kihyun's face, swollen from the crying, hoping the cool water helped him out.

After Kihyun stopped throwing up, he threw himself up. "You didn't have me here!" He yelled, knees buckling. Jooheon had to keep him from falling. "What fucking happened?!"

Jooheon took his hand. "I don't know. But from the pictures... it looks like you lost consciousness and he... Wait." Jooheon picked up a picture. "Who is this?"

Kihyun shrugged the name off as he said it. "Noah..." he mumbled. The shame, the dirtiness, the violation came out all at once.

"Cullen?" Jooheon asked. Kihyun nodded. Jooheon shook his head, furiously gathering the photos. He began to rush to the front office. Kihyun followed behind him.

This is where Kihyun began to panic. "Kihyun, what are you doing?" He asked, trying to keep up with him.

Jooheon took a sharp turn to the principal's office. He threw the pictures down on her desk. "Noah James Cullen, senior, he took advantage of Kihyun at a party. Took pictures to prove it."

Kihyun didn't want all of this. He really didn't. "Shared them with the boys of the locker room." He added, telling them what he hadn't gotten to say yet.

"Off of school grounds?" Jooheon nodded. "Not during school hours?" Kihyun nodded. "There's nothing I, as an educator and administrator, can do."

Jooheon's face contorted in irritation. "That's it? H-He gets no help otherwise? Suck it, you got fucked and you didn't know, live with it?" Kihyun grabbed onto Jooheon's arm silently begging him to stop.

Principal Marx just sighed. "I can't do anything... You'll have to involve police."

Before Jooheon could defend again, Kihyun kindly thanked Principal Marx and walked out, dragging Jooheon and the photos with him. And before he could question him, Kihyun whisper-yelled at him. "I don't want the entire fucking school knowing I got raped. If I have to deal with it, I'll just deal with it. I didn't even want to talk to her. No one is going to help an LGBT boy defend against rape. No one. Drop it." Kihyun just needed his boyfriend, not his protector. Jooheon left it alone, taking him back to the sanctuary of the drama room.

Later that night, Kihyun's father couldn't look at him. His mother sharing the same saddened look he wore. And as Kihyun cried into Jooheon, feeling shattered and empty, his mother came upstairs with the goal to fill him with a mother's love. "Sweetheart, no matter how drunk you get, how high you get, how many times you choose to have sex..." she started. "Rape is rape, no is no, no clear yes is no. You can still tell me. I never wanted anything like that to happen to my kids, but I never wanted you to ever have to hide that away from me. I didn't ever want to hear some other adult basically judge me for how I raised you. Kihyun, I got you. You spent 9 months in my stomach and I've raised you for 15, almost 16 years after that. I am never going to abandon you."

Kihyun stayed where he was, crying harder into Jooheon's lap. He felt like trash. Like he was fucking broken. And even after that, Noah Cullen graduated, perfect scholar, no repercussions. Jooheon hated to know that he got away. Kihyun did too, but there was nothing he could do. The other boys were clueless without their leader. So while some of them began to harass Kihyun, others left him alone.

*~*~*~*~*

"Sometimes, Kihyun can get away with forgetting about Noah, forgetting about how he looks. Sometimes, he remembers some flashbacks from the party, but thinks he's insane and that it's made up in his mind." Jooheon sighed. "My baby's struggling, and I really don't know how to help much anymore. And I feel like a failure of a boyfriend. I always have. But I don't think he'll ever know that or recognize that." Minhyuk frowned a bit, patting Jooheon's back softly.

Kihyun came to the landing, looking over the living room. "Minhyuk... could you please leave?" He asked softly. "I-I don't really care for company right now."

Minhyuk nodded, grabbing his things. "Yeah! No worries. Sorry for just dropping by like this. I didn't mean to over step any sort of boundaries." Minhyuk quickly left, saying goodbye kindly.

Jooheon was kind of confused, but Kihyun walked downstairs, coming to talk to him. "We need to talk." The way he addressed Jooheon made him nervous. "I'm back now... and I wanted to tell you this now. When I die, do not waste the rest of your life depressed. You'll be about 30? So will Minhyuk? You two will need each other when me and Wonho die. Take care of each other." He hated this conversation, and Kihyun wasn't done. "Please, I know you are worried about me giving myself instructions. Cut your losses when that time comes. I don't want you to be changing my diapers, reminding me how to eat my food."

He felt like his heart had been ripped from his chest, shoved into his stomach and twisted. He had so many thoughts. He wanted to yell and scream and tell him no. Tell him that he was going to stay with him until the end. That he wasn't going to stop keeping him safe. And all he could choke out was an "Okay, baby." Jooheon hadn't realized he was crying until Kihyun's face fell. "I-I won't stop you." He whimpered, biting back the flood of tears ready to flow.

Kihyun held his hand softly. "No, baby, stop crying.. please. I-I didn't mean to make you cry..." Kihyun felt bad. He didn't want to make Jooheon cry, he never could deal with his tears well.

"I'm fine," Jooheon sighed. "It just came up suddenly. And I'm trying my hardest to watch after you and take care of you.

Kihyun bit his lip. "Take care of yourself for once, Jooheon. It's been, what 12 years? You need to think of yourself too."

Jooheon knew Kihyun was right. But he just didn't want to think about it. "You wanna order a pizza for dinner and we can have a movie night?" Jooheon asked, changing the subject.

"Sure," Kihyun smiled. He really did want something like that. He was more than his Alzheimer's, that's what he was trying to get Jooheon to realize. Kihyun was still the same Kihyun, regardless of his history, his mental health, his Alzheimer's... He wanted his boyfriend to pay attention to them for once, not only the health that would decline rapidly, no matter what.


	10. · polaroid ten ·

For months, Jooheon ended up in Kihyun's room every night. Kihyun's father would avoid him, blaming him for what happened. His mother tried her hardest to help her son, but her husband grew more and more abusive. He'd go as far as to handcuff her to himself when they went to sleep. She still had a free hand to give Jooheon permission to come over to help Kihyun.

When Jooheon came over, Kihyun clung onto him. "Please," he whimpered. "Baby don't leave me like that again... I trust you with all my heart. I don't remember what happened and I wish someone would fucking tell me."

Not remembering ever being taken advantage of was killing Kihyun. He couldn't fill in any blank parts of his memory. Jooheon felt awful about keeping it from him. It hurt him to hold onto. "Kihyun," Jooheon mumbled, pulling him to sit straight up, their eyes adjusting to the dark. Kihyun pointed at his curtains, telling Jooheon to open them up more. Once he did, the white moonlight shone into his room. "I tried to keep you by my side. I didn't drink, I didn't want to. But I was also going to drive you home. You went to the bathroom. All I remember is getting woozy, you were taking so long in the bathroom. Then I fell... When I came to we were in a r-room." The tears began to fall. "We were in a room, you were on the bed... and you were out. The music was so fucking loud in the house. I remember that because I screamed. And I couldn't even hear myself. I screamed for you to wake up. I couldn't move. I had someone holding me back from you. I just watched. I tried to keep you close, Kihyun. I did. I didn't just leave you to be used. I wasn't able to get to you." Kihyun held Jooheon's hand, accepting the words he was saying.

"I need detail... That's only the surface, isn't it?" He asked.

Jooheon nodded, not wanting to go any further. "What do you want? What he did to you? How? What he said?" Kihyun nodded, needing everything. "When I came to, he was hovering over you. He was messing with his jeans and laughing. You were completely out of it, but still kind of awake. You were whining a bit about a headache, giggling because you thought he was me. But you were too awake for him. He gave you a bit more of your drink and shortly after, you passed out completely. A-And he said, 'Now that he's knocked the fuck out, we can get down to business.' I watched helplessly as he just manhandled you... I never wanted to tell you all of this. The next day, you were happy, thinking we just had sex the night before. After I got you home, safe and sound, I got you into your room and I immediately went to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't walk without being dizzy. I felt sick and hated that I couldn't help you. I failed you and I'm sorry."

Kihyun just sat still, letting everything sink in. "I remember my wrists and hips being bruised..." he sighed.

"Yeah, he did that too." Jooheon held Kihyun closer, judging his response to him. Kihyun was neither close nor distant, he was just there.

He cuddled into Jooheon for the first time in months. "My dad hates me... I brought it on myself for not being straight." There was nothing Jooheon could do and it killed him.

The next day, Jooheon woke up to see Kihyun sleeping softly in his arms. The peaceful morning lasted for a few minutes before Jooheon's phone was being blown up. When he finally called back, he heard a soft, crying voice pick up on the other end. "I-I know I seem like I've got it together. That's why Hyungwon told you to talk to me... but I'm scared Jooheon. And obviously he doesn't know what's happening, but I'm scared."

Jooheon slid out of bed, making sure Kihyun didn't wake up so he could go talk to a very panicked Minhyuk. "What's wrong, buddy? Talk to me." Jooheon bit his lip, trying to be quiet and soothing.

"I woke up to Wonho crying. And I asked him what was wrong. Sometimes he has nightmares. But he just froze up in my arms. He wouldn't let me move the comforter off of him. When I wrapped my arms around his waist, he just screamed out a loud 'No!' and began crying harder. And I realized that he wet the bed. And he was embarrassed, thought I'd be mad at him. If this happens throughout the day, Jooheon? You know what that fucking means?" Minhyuk whimpered, sniffling. Jooheon knew what it meant. But he wouldn't say it. "I'm losing my baby... My lover, my life. I'm losing him!" Jooheon heard the hyperventilation begin.

Jooheon had to spring into action. "Hey... shhh. Monitor it for the day. He could also just have a UTI, it's possible that it isn't his Alzheimer's... it's okay to be worried, but do not pass out right now crying about it. He needs you. Let him know it's okay. Watch him and count how much you have to help him to the bathroom. If he says something odd, maybe it doesn't even mention the bathroom, learn it. I've spent so long researching this disease in and out. And you have something I don't have. And I'm actually pretty jealous of it."

Minhyuk sniffles. "Wonho, baby. You wanna take a shower? Get cleaned up?" The sound of rushing water rang through the phone. "What's that?" He asked.

"You can do both, be a caretaker and a boyfriend." Jooheon sighed, hearing Kihyun whine from the bedroom. "Somewhere along the way I stopped being a boyfriend," he said, walking back to the bedroom. "Kihyun? Baby, what's wrong?"

Kihyun whined, tears obviously prominent on his face. He was stuck in a nightmare. "Dad, please... Why do you hate me?" Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows, letting Kihyun go on for a bit. "It wasn't my fault... I didn't hit on him. I didn't lead him on. Don't call him that!" Kihyun screamed, visibly shaking. The headboard was hitting the wall. "Mama, please... Stop him." Kihyun began to shriek along with his tears.

"Minhyuk, I'll call you back..." he whispered. "Kihyun? Baby, you gotta wake up now." Jooheon hung up, shaking Kihyun. "Kihyun, you gotta wake up."

Jooheon shook him hard one time and he shot up crying and screaming. "No, no, no!" He screamed. "No, no..." Jooheon wrapped his arms around him tightly. "H-He was insulting you, words I don't even want to say. And I stood up for you and I get... I get b-beat!" Jooheon tried to shush him, but his crying never ceased. "Mama, I want my mom... Why did he hate me so much? I-I didn't... Baby, I didn't do it!" He melted back into a whining cry. Jooheon knew. It's never the victim's fault.

"Kihyun, I know. It's not your fault." Jooheon held him tightly as he cried.

He tried to stop. "No, I'm not straight. I don't have a girlfriend. I must like shit like that." Jooheon was appalled. Why would anyone tell him that? "I-I'm a sick little shit, I must like that. I must have a fetish for it... I must be a whore. Right?" Jooheon shook his head, rubbing his back. "Just because I'm not straight, I must like rape. That's what he basically fucking told me. He wouldn't help me. His only fucking son, he wouldn't help me. His only child, he'd beat for even feeling betrayed and hurt in the slightest. Dear God, I'm so fucking glad they didn't give me a sister. I don't know if he would treat her better? And if that's just his ideology on rape, no one but me would be able to help her. He wouldn't let my mother help me. It was a fucking lesson to me. Noah Cullen got to fucking walk away. I wear his touch on me all the time, and that Minhyuk guy... he looks so similar to him. I-I can't breathe, J-Jooheon. I c-can't brea-"

Kihyun froze up, crying harder and shaking against Jooheon. Jooheon just played with his hair. "It's okay, baby... Accidents happen... I'm not going to get mad at you. You're scared. You're okay... Let's get you cleaned up okay?" Kihyun shook his head, curling into the now soaked comforter. "Whenever you're ready. I'll go start a bath okay?" He nodded, letting Jooheon leave him.

Once he got to the bathroom, he sent Minhyuk a text message. "If it makes you feel better, there was an accident here on this end too. But it was nightmare material." Kihyun came into the bathroom and few moments later.

"Jooheon..." Kihyun spoke up. "When I get closer to the end. Promise me you'll take me to Oregon. We'll live in Oregon for a while. Promise me." Jooheon didn't want to fight, so he just agreed. After Kihyun left again to go get clothes, Jooheon texted Minhyuk again.

The next text he got dropped his heart into his stomach. "Jooheon, Oregon is a state that legalized Physician Assisted Suicide."


	11. · polaroid eleven ·

Things were simpler as kids. Jooheon and Kihyun could play together and play hide and seek, study. They did everything together. Everything was much simpler as kids. Everyone was confused, but they knew enough to be happy. Nothing more, nothing less.

Jooheon and Kihyun climbed trees when they were younger. They hung out in a little treehouse after school most days, only coming in before the streetlights came on. If only times were that simple.

"Kihyun, we have to go to the store, okay?" Kihyun was lounging around the house, depression rising. Jooheon couldn't just leave him home alone. "Sadie, vest." Sadie jumped off of the couch, running to the door. Kihyun sauntered over slowly hesitant to leave the house.

He rolled his eyes, grabbing Sadie's vest. "Sit." Jooheon waited for him. He didn't want to go back to his parental stature, but Kihyun was being a brat, despite being lucid. "I don't want to wear that fucking bracelet." Jooheon sighed, letting Kihyun have this round. They needed to go to Wal-Mart and Target, he had no time for the debate.

They went through Wal-Mart pretty problem free. Kihyun didn't have a major breakdown. It was Target that proved to be challenging. They cruising through the clothes when there was a bit of a commotion in the aisle. "Baby?" Jooheon and Kihyun looked up to see another couple with a service dog. They were stopped in the middle of the walkway. The dog stood up on the taller one's feet. "Hyunwoo?" All of the Target patrons froze and watched as this man just stood there, looking around. "Hyunwoo!" The taller man shook his head. "Elijah?" Nothing. "Avery? Are you there?" His lover nodded, smiling softly. "What happened?"

The entire section of the store was silent. "He just started thinking... You know how sometimes he's okay here, sometimes he's not? Today's a not day." Most of the bystanders looked at him like he was crazy. The man smiled softly before his face fell again, getting frustrated. He looked around at everyone. "What?" He asked. "Why are you all staring at me? Fuck off!" Jooheon left Kihyun back away from the aisle, going up to them.

"Hi," Jooheon smiled softly. "I'm Jooheon... Hyunwoo?" The man, who Jooheon knows by now is Hyunwoo, looked at him.

Tearfully and shakily, he asked who Jooheon was. Jooheon reaches for his hand and he pulled away quickly. "Please don't touch me... I don't wanna be touched. I don't know you. Kyunnie, help me."

His boyfriend stepped Jooheon back a little bit. "Hey, Hyunwoo. It's okay, I'm here." He shook his head, not listening to him.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare him like that," Jooheon sighed. "I just didn't want him to look at everyone staring at him like he should be committed."

His boyfriend sighed, shaking Jooheon's hand. "It's okay, man. Thank you. My name's Changkyun. This is Hyunwoo... I'm just trying to figure out if he switched or not." Jooheon shot him a confused look. "He... has Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm trying to figure out if Hyunwoo's here or if it's Elijah or Avery." Jooheon nodded, watching the two of them interact.

After a while, Hyunwoo stopped crying, and he was still. Peaceful and still. "Oh shit," Changkyun sighed, kneeling to the floor. Almost as soon as he did, down fell Hyunwoo. "Shh, I got you."

Jooheon backed up, getting back to Kihyun. "Is he oka-" Kihyun looked up to looked at Hyunwoo and he screamed. "Call 911!" He yelled.

"No, he'll be okay!" Changkyun said, holding Hyunwoo's head in his lap.

Kihyun yelled out. "He's having a seizure! Get him help!"

Changkyun rolled his eyes. "Look here, he's fine. This is his brain overloading trying not to remember some things. He'll be okay." Jooheon held onto Kihyun, trying to keep him preoccupied.

"No, no, no, no." Hyunwoo said, still shaking in Changkyun's arms.

Jooheon took Kihyun's hand. "Hey, text me later and let me know how you guys are. If you need any help," Jooheon have Changkyun his number. "We're here to help." After that, he rushed Kihyun out of the store, trying to prevent his own breakdowns.

It was a long, quiet ride home. "Jooheon?" Kihyun asked, breaking the silence. "What do you think broke Hyunwoo?"

Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows. "What?" He was confused.

"The guy has seizures, due to dissociation? Do you think he went through something worse than me?" The way he spoke concerned him.

They began to drive to Kihyun's favorite ice cream place. "And if he did? That doesn't matter to you and for you. You can feel how you want to feel."

Kihyun shook his head. "My father always told me someone always has it worse." When Jooheon hit the steering wheel out of a sharp burst of anger, Kihyun hid away, Sadie putting her head in his lap.

"Fuck that man. Yeah, someone always has it worse, but you deserve to feel what you feel. You were abused. You've been raped. You've been treated like shit. You're fucking dying with Alzheimer's every day of your life. You have PTSD. Depression, anxiety. What's next? A fucking addiction?" He didn't mean to snap, but he hated how hurt Kihyun had been. "You deserve to feel what you fucking feel, Kihyun. That man hurt you and took one of your protectors away. You don't listen to a goddamn thing he fucking said. You've been captive too long, baby. Free yourself. Please."

Kihyun nodded, tears falling. "Are we getting ice cream?" Jooheon nodded, holding his hand tightly. "Okay..." he smiled softly. Playing with Jooheon's ring made him feel at peace. "Let's get married, Jooheon. We can just go to the courthouse. I want to be your husband. I want a marriage with you." Jooheon kissed his hand.

He glanced over at Kihyun for a second. "Now?" He asked.

Kihyun thought about it before smiling widely. "Now. Let's go get married now." Jooheon smiled, taking the downtown exit to the courthouse.


	12. · polaroid twelve ·

Talking about their wedding was a difficult time for Kihyun. "We'll get married on a September night, under the very stars we're sitting under right now. And we'll have a honeymoon so sweet, and you and I will make a lot of love." Jooheon was always the talker. Kihyun liked listening.

But on this night, he couldn't talk about it. "My dad came home drunk again last night..." Jooheon turned to him, pulling him toward the outdoor couch he kept on his balcony. Kihyun followed, assuming the position they often got into when he wanted to talk about his family or something that made him anxious. He would straddle Jooheon's lap, wrapping his arms around him and laying his head on his shoulder as he snuggled into the crook of his neck. "Ow," Kihyun whined, sitting up a bit. "My lower back is fucked up."

Jooheon had him stand up, his back turned so he could see what happened. Even in the dimly lit night, Jooheon could easily make out the heavy bruising. "Did he beat you?" He asked. Kihyun ashamedly nodded. "Why didn't you call me?" Kihyun should've known by now that he would do anything for him.

Kihyun didn't want to talk anymore. "Let's just go to bed, please. I just wanna sleep." He opened the door to go back into his room. He turned on a bedside lamp, crawling into bed. Jooheon followed Kihyun into bed and held him closely.

When a crash and a scream followed, Kihyun jumped so much, the bed creaked and hit the wall. "Shh, I got you." Jooheon got up quickly to lock the door. He turned off the bedside lamp and plugged in Kihyun's Christmas lights. He crawled back into bed, holding him close. His boyfriend couldn't stop crying. "I love you, baby... I got you." His breathing became erratic, hyperventilation coming on quickly. This was nothing new. But Kihyun never dared to leave his room at night, not even to puke from the anxiety running through his body. "Kihyun? Baby..." Kihyun shook his head, chest rising and falling within seconds of each other. "Baby, listen to my voice. It's just me and you okay? Only me and you. Do you remember that one amusement park we went to a couple years ago? And how bad it was? We couldn't help but laugh at how lame everything was?" And this is how these nights went. Jooheon talked to Kihyun until there was nothing else he could hear. "And I swear to you, Kihyun. You will be my husband. I will love you forever, take care of you... and never in my fucking life will I put my hands on you in hatred, in anger."

They signed those papers at the courthouse with no regret. Jooheon had a pair of rings he always kept, for whenever they decided to get married. He started carrying them ever so often shortly after Kihyun's diagnosis with PTSD, and then made sure to always have them when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Coming home, Kihyun was so happy, but he did slowly lose his lucid state. By the time he came home, he was confused. "Jooheon? When did this happen?" He asked, pointing at his ring.

Jooheon was almost dumbfounded. They got married less than two hours before. "We've been talking about it for a while. And we did it earlier." He couldn't lie to him, or downplay it. Kihyun nodded, a smile returning to his face.

"I'm so happy we did it," Kihyun smiled widely. "Remember when we came out to my parents?"

Jooheon chuckled a bit. "Your dad almost took my fucking head off. Jooheon got out of the car, Kihyun quickly following suit.

The next five words sent Jooheon into a mini panic. "I think I'll call them," Kihyun said, heading the the front door. He was back to forgetting the fact that his parents were dead.

"No!" Jooheon hurriedly said. Kihyun furrowed his eyebrows. "I-I mean... We already called them, from my phone." Jooheon showed him a random accidental call. If Kihyun didn't remember things from two hours ago, he was certainly not going to know what the day was.

Kihyun's head cocked slightly. "Oh? What did they say?" He asked, opening the front door.

Sadie sat by the door, waiting for someone to take off her vest. Jooheon leaned down to help her out. "Your mom was so happy for us, your dad was kinda upset I didn't ask first, but happy any way." As Sadie ran off to her food, Kihyun snaked his arms around Jooheon's neck.

"My husband," he smiled, kissing his cheek. "My hubby, my lover, my life." It made Jooheon want to cry. He knew Kihyun would forget this soon, this moment. "I'm gonna go take a bath. Come join me," Kihyun smiled, taking his hand.

Jooheon stalled a bit. "Oh, sweetheart. Let me get some dinner started, I'll join you soon." Kihyun nodded, heading upstairs. As soon as he made his way upstairs, Jooheon's phone rang. "Hello?"

A voice sighed on the other end. "Thank you, so much for stopping to check on us. Hyunwoo is doing much much better now. He's been back for a few hours." A smile came across Jooheon's face.

"No problem, Changkyun." Jooheon looked up to see if Kihyun was around. "I understand what it feels like to have people stare at your boyfriend as if he's crazy. And it's not fair to them. They can't help what's going on." He began to make dinner.

Changkyun sighed a bit again. "Anyway, I better get going, gotta make sure he stays okay. Thank you again and I'll keep in touch. You do the same okay?" He asked.

"I'll do the same." And they hung up. It didn't take less than five minute for his phone to ring again.

He couldn't get a word in when he answered this time. "W-Wonho's asleep and I-I... it's real. He's really there now. He's probably got a stage or two left? Oh my God!" Jooheon felt Minhyuk's anxiety. "I-I got into a fight with his family. He wanted to go visit, and I took him over there and he had another accident and his sister was laughing at him about it. The way he grabbed onto me, slowly melting into tears and anxiety... I let loose. I cussed her out for making him feel like shit." Jooheon had to cut him off.

He put the phone on speaker, washing vegetables. "Minhyuk, I need you to breathe. You gotta breathe for me, okay?" He heard Minhyuk take a few deep breaths. "Good. Now, listen. Confirm all of this. Even though you and I both know, you need to have Hyungwon tell you. And I know you're freaking out about going off on his sister, but what's done is done. Call and apologize if you want, but they're not going to drop him. I gotta go, but keep texting if it makes you feel better. You got this." He hung up and sighed a bit, a strong headache coming on. He decided to give up on cooking, there was just way too much going on. One thing Jooheon was getting tired of was being everyone's emotional support human. Even though he offered himself, he could only handle Kihyun.

He made his way upstairs, getting to the top before groaning and kneeling to the floor. This headache was maddening. It made him want to curl up and die. "Baby?" Kihyun asked, coming to his side. "What's wrong? Do you need to lay down?"

Jooheon shook his head, wincing at the pain. "N-No. I just need some rest." Kihyun nodded, helping him up. They took a few steps and down Jooheon went to his knees again. "My eyes are killing me. Everything hurts." He just wanted to keep his head down.

"Come on, I'll run you a cool bath." Kihyun got Jooheon up again. "Keep your eyes closed, I got you." Jooheon did as he said, trying to stay up and make it to the bathroom. As Jooheon laid himself out on the cold floor, Kihyun ran a cold bath for him, turning out the lights. "Is this good if I leave the door open?"

Jooheon looked up and groaned. "No, too much light. Go get those LED candles, please. I don't wanna smell anything either." Kihyun nodded, looking for them. Jooheon was in misery. He hadn't had a migraine in so long, he thought they'd wised up and just left him alone. But he was barely getting sleep, constantly stressed and deprived of self care. Maybe it was a warning.

When the tub filled up, Kihyun came back with the candles, turning the water off. "Come on, let's get in the tub." Kihyun helped Jooheon strip and in he went. Jooheon could've just cried in that moment, the cold relief was amazing.

"Well come on," he sighed. "Get in."

Kihyun shook his head, taking a hand towel and submerging it. "No, I'm okay. I'll take one later. I just wanna take care of you right now." Jooheon leaned over and rested his head on Kihyun's chest as Kihyun planted a soft series of kisses to his forehead. He kept running the cool water from the towel over Jooheon's body. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep like that.

After about 30 minutes, Kihyun got him out of the bath, carrying him to the bedroom. His Jooheon lost a lot of weight, he thought. It's been quite some time since he was able to pick him up. Kihyun was coming around to his lucid state and he sighed softly as he watched over his sleeping boyfriend. "This is why you can't keep taking care of me like this... You're gonna kill yourself." And with that, Kihyun began to write and shop for an Oregon apartment.


	13. · polaroid thirteen ·

Jooheon was everyone's strength. Kihyun knew this all too well. And he remembered the day he thought he lost him for good. Kihyun flashed Jooheon a picture of him passed out on the side of a highway, followed by a picture of him in the hospital. "Stop fucking taking care of everyone, Jooheon!" Kihyun yelled.

"Baby, I-" Jooheon tried to speak but Kihyun just cut him off.

"No, damn it. Hear me! Imagine my surprise to drive by and see a car that looked just like yours and a man passed out next to it while I'm speeding down the highway at 60 miles an hour." He began crying. "Just to find out it was you! To think you're fucking dead on the side of the fucking road! Stop taking care of everyone but yourself!"

Jooheon winced, getting a headache from the yelling. "Hey. I was just tired and took some sleeping pills and forgot. I got out to walk around for a bit and I passed out. I'm fine." Before Kihyun got riled up again, Jooheon took his hand. "But, I will spend more time taking care of myself. So, bring the volume down a bit and lay with me." Jooheon couldn't get mad at Kihyun. He was just scared.

It'd been a few days since Jooheon had his migraine. He was exhausted beyond belief, and he tried to keep his stress load low, but Kihyun was almost gone, between his PTSD and his Alzheimer's. Jooheon had to keep taking care of him, there was no taking breaks. Except to maybe eat.

"Jooheon?" Kihyun asked, holding a piece of paper. "What's this? I-I think I wrote it? But I'm not sure." Jooheon got up and took the paper.

Tears started to form. "Uhm," he mumbled. "Don't worry about it, okay? I'll get rid of it for you."

Kihyun grabbed his arm. "It's... Those are my suicide instructions, aren't they?" Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows. Was Kihyun lucid? He couldn't tell anymore. "Jooheon, baby you gotta let me go when the time comes... Okay? You have to." His lover was losing it, and he knew how hard this was on him.

"No! I don't!" Jooheon yelled, scaring Kihyun a bit. "I won't! Y-You're my life. You're my baby, my everything. Please, stop talking about leaving me, you can't leave me yet. Please, we're married now, I'm not ready."

Kihyun slowly began to fall into anxiety. He was scared, the man who protects him seems like for just a second, he could be the man that hurts him. "I-I'm sorry... I didn't m-mean to make you mad." Kihyun rushed upstairs, locking himself in the bedroom. Jooheon felt his whole body shut down and go into autopilot. Kihyun being left alone was never a good thing.

His mother called Jooheon over, begging him to check on Kihyun. After a giant fight with his father, Kihyun locked himself in his room. "How long has he been locked in there?" Jooheon asked, rushing into the house and up the stairs.

"He locked himself in there about half an hour ago. I- I could hear his crying, I let him know I was there outside the door but then he just stopped crying..." His mother followed him. "Kihyun? Baby, Jooheon's here for you. He came for you."

There wasn't any answer. "Kihyun? Baby, you gotta open the door. Please? It's for me. It's for Jooheon. Your lover. Your husband. Your other half. Let me in." There was still nothing but silence. "Mama, go get me two bobby-pins." Kihyun wasn't okay. When his mom came back, he continued to alternate talking to Kihyun and asking questions about the fight. His father resorted to beating him, calling him every negative name you could think of. And usually, people jokingly say things like their mothers should have swallowed them. Except this man meant the shit he'd say.

In about 45 seconds, Jooheon had the door unlocked. He opened the door to see Kihyun on the floor, hyperventilating and in shock. "I-I didn't meant to do this much. I didn't mean to go so... de-deep." Jooheon told his mother to get the car ready.

"Shh, you're okay, Kihyun... where's it at?" He asked.

Kihyun looked down. "I-I think it's under my leg." Jooheon nodded, going to grab a shirt or something to stop the bleeding in his arm. "Not that one! That's your white Ramones shirt."

Jooheon shook his head. "I'll buy another one, Kihyun.

Kihyun cried out, refusing it. "You wore that when we finally kissed in front of people at school. You can't ruin that one, please grab another shirt." Jooheon nodded, grabbing a green shirt instead. "Thank you," Kihyun whispered, slowly fading out.

Jooheon almost lost Kihyun that night. He couldn't bear the thought of losing him to suicide. He just couldn't. "Do you know how many times you coded on me, Kihyun? It took you three days to stay stable for more than 20 hours. I died a little bit every time with you. I cannot think about my future without you just yet. Please, let me in."

Kihyun told him no. At least he was speaking to him this time. Jooheon's phone rang, another call from Changkyun. "How do you do it?" He asked.

"Pardon?" Jooheon asked, slightly confused.

Changkyun shuffled around a bit. "Elijah, you wanna play a game? No? Okay... I'll go make us a snack then." Hyunwoo switched on him. "Elijah is the quiet one. Avery speaks simply for all three of them. Sometimes, Hyunwoo accidentally triggers himself. He switches to cope with losing his brothers as a kid. Elijah was a quiet kid. Possibly autistic. Avery was the littlest one who tried to protect his big brothers the way he was protected. When Hyunwoo was being punished for something small, Avery trying to intervene enraged their guardian. He was thrown. Hit his head. Elijah never got over it, and when he showed signs of being self destructive, their guardian basically said they'd end his misery for him. Elijah and Avery live on in Hyunwoo. How do you take care of your boyfriend? I find myself losing touch with my own reality. It's so hard. How do you not just give up?"

Jooheon sighed a bit. "You mean, how do I not give up while my partner so desperately wants to? I just don't. My boyfriend needs me and he will be needing me. He's got Alzheimer's, PTSD, anxiety... I can't give up on him. I love him too much to ever think about giving up on him. Is your love strong?" Jooheon asked.

"It's strong," Changkyun replied. "But love cannot save alone. I love Hyunwoo, I do. But I feel so helpless every time he switches. I can't do anything to bring him back."

Jooheon sighed. "It's like Alzheimer's in that aspect. Not being able to bring him back to reality. You need patience. You need friends. I'm here to be a friend. Okay? You can call or text me any time but I have to go now." Changkyun let him hang up as Jooheon sighed. He was getting overworked.

"You can understand him? Not me?" Kihyun asked. "I'm losing my fucking mind, Jooheon. I'm dying as we speak. And you understand another caretaker more than me. And that's what I do not want for you. To be able to understand a caretaker. That is not your job. You used to work with music. You gave that up for me. You used to make music. Your title is not Lee Jooheon, CNA. You're my husband. And you've lost yourself trying to keep me whole. I want physician assisted suicide to end my suffering and to let you breathe. I'll do it when I'm lucid. I'll die knowing who you are. What we are. What we have and what we had. And it's not for a while. But I want you to understand me. Understand that I cannot die not knowing who the fuck you are. Understand that I don't want you to spend your life taking care of me. Not understanding the struggle of having to take care of me." Jooheon bit his lip, fighting tears again. Kihyun sat in his lap, holding Jooheon's head to his chest as he cried. And he cried for a while. He cried until Kihyun spoke up, maybe 15 minutes later. "What happened?"


	14. · polaroid fourteen ·

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonho wanders for the first time.

Jooheon was a caretaker and always had been. He knew what it took to take care of someone. He was always detoxing his father when he was growing up while taking care of Kihyun. When Jooheon's father overdosed, he didn't do much grieving. He stayed by his mother's side and attempted to heal her broken heart, but he couldn't find a space in his heart to even begin to care about his father. However, he was taking care of people for the longest and he rarely ever had a chance to care for himself. That was the sad part of it all. He rarely ever cared for himself.

Kihyun could never have predicted this. Jooheon could, so could Minhyuk. Kihyun, however? He couldn't and it wasn't his fault. "Kihyun, wake up. We have to go see Minhyuk..." Kihyun remembers being so confused as to why Jooheon was waking him up in the night to go see Minhyuk.

And then, there they were. Minhyuk was outside of his house, screaming for Wonho. "Jooheon! I-I locked the house up. I would've heard the alarm system? He can't remember was he ate for dinner, he couldn't have remembered the code! Oh my God!" He was freaking out. Kihyun clutched onto Sadie's leash, breathing heavily. Wonho was missing.

"Wonho, relax... Wonho can't be far, okay?" Minhyuk nodded, wiping his tears. "Let's go drive around." Kihyun, Jooheon and Minhyuk like into Jooheon's car, driving around the neighborhood. 

They drove down over this bridge that took them to to another small city. "Stop... stop the car. Keep your lights on." Minhyuk took off his seatbelt getting out of the car. 

Jooheon scoffed. "Minhyuk, I can't park on this bri-" His gaze lifted as he saw a man sitting on the side of the bridge. Jooheon and Kihyun got out with him.

“Minnie!” He smiled softly. “Look at the pool!” This brought tears to Kihyun’s eyes. He was going to be reduced to this within a year.

Minhyuk slowly approached him. “Jooheon? Call 911, please...” Jooheon grabbed his phone in one hand and Kihyun’s hand in the other one. “Hi baby,” he smiled, hiding his tears. “Come back over here to me, okay?” He asked. He was on the verge of pleading with him. 

Wonho began to whine. “I wanna go swimming!” He sighed.

“Baby, that’s not a good place to swim.” Minhyuk sighed, holding his hand out for Wonho. “We can go to a better pool tomorrow.” Wonho shook his head, seemingly giving in. He stood up on the edge instead of simply swinging his legs back to the other side. “Wonho!” Minhyuk screamed, panic affect him too much. “Oh my God! Baby, please just swing back around!”

Wonho scoffed, taking a step down. The three men watched with rapt attention as he slipped from the bridge, falling into the water below him. “Wonho!” Kihyun screamed, shaking and leaning back into the car behind him. Sadie tried to jump up to calm him, but he pushed her away, causing her to emit a small yelp. His anxiety spiraled far past the point of needing his DPT. He was hyperventilating to a point he’d never reached before.

Minhyuk was quick to run to the edge. “Oh my God! My baby!” His scream was so inhuman. He looked over to see where his lover fell. He saw the ripples his body created. He waited a second to see if he’d resurface. The sound of Kihyun hyperventilating and crying was driving him more insane than he already was. “Hey!” He screamed, turning to glare at Kihyun. “Shut the actual fuck up! That is my boyfriend, that is my best friend, that is my lover, my life down there, you don’t get to feel broken over someone you knew for 15 fucking minutes, that you’ll forget in 15 fucking more!” 

That sentence killed Kihyun. His audible cries ceased, but his hyperventilation peaked. “Minhyuk!” Jooheon yelled, rushing up to him. “Don’t you fucking talk to him like that, you hear me? Just watch and see if your victim died while I go take care of my baby. I’ve hurt people for looking at him the wrong way, I’ve hurt people for less than what the fuck you just said to him.” Jooheon was livid. “I don’t give two fucks if we’ve been friends for a bit. I’ll burn this fucking city down behind him. Watch your fucking mouth.” He returned to his 911 call as he rushed to Kihyun’s side.

“Minnie!” A voice cried from below. “Minnie! Help me! I-I broke my life I th-think... and I don’t know how to swim!” Minhyuk sniffled, blinking out his falling tears.

He shook his head. “He knows,” Minhyuk whispered, not that anyone heard him. “He knows how to swim...” Wonho calling out to him for a third time hurt his heart. “Baby, I-I can’t come get you. Someone I on the way, I can’t get you this time. Tread water! Do you know what that is?” Wonho moved a bit, Minhyuk couldn’t see. “Baby, you gotta speak!”

Wonho whimpered out into the night. “No! I-I don’t know what treading is!” Minhyuk sighed, turning on his phone’s flashlight.

He set on the ledge to try to get some light on him. “Okay, can you see me?” He asked? Wonho said he could. “Treading water is when you flail your legs like this, in a circular motion, and scoop water toward yourself! Do that! It keeps you afloat!” He could only pray he was doing it right.

“Ow! It hurts to use my left leg!” Wonho called out.

Minhyuk shook his head. “Baby, I know but you have to. I want you to live! We can deal with your leg. Keep talking to me so I know you’re okay. Someone is on the way.”

They talked for about ten minutes before a rig showed up. “Minhyuk! They’re here!” Jooheon yelled out, before returning to holding Kihyun to keep him calm. 

“Okay, Wonho! Baby, they’re here!” He smiled, tears flowing to his smile. There wasn’t an answer, and he couldn’t hear the water splashing anymore. “Wonho? Wonho!” Silence.

Jooheon watched as Minhyuk melted to the ground, screaming and crying. Cursing God, Satan, and anyone who let this happen to him. Kihyun was asleep on the ground, so he decided to leave him for the moment. “Minhyuk...”

Once he got close enough, Minhyuk got up, preparing the climb the ledge as well. Jooheon started to run, wrapping his arms around Minhyuk and pulling him away while he screamed at, kicked, bit, scratched and fought him. “No!” He cried, trying to pry Jooheon’s arms off of him. “That’s my fucking baby! No, please, please. God, please! Give him back. Someone go get him or I’ll do it my fucking self.” He let out a painful cry, strongly inhaling and shaking as he wreaking spoke again. “I swear to God, I’ll go get him myself... I swear to fucking God I will. Please, if he’s not okay... let me fucking die. Please!” Jooheon shushed him the way he did Kihyun, kneeling to the ground. He couldn’t do much, but he could restrain Minhyuk the best he could. He had Minhyuk pinned underneath him as he created a shell on top of him. “Oh my fucking God, my baby. Please not my baby...” Jooheon shushed him, watching the first responders tie themselves to the bridge to get Wonho from the river below.

When they finally got him up, Minhyuk had cried himself to sleep. Jooheon left him for a second to run up to a paramedic. “Time of-”

Jooheon interrupted him. “No, please... Take him to the hospital anyway, put him on a ventilator, hook him up to everything. Revive him for a second just to do that. His boyfriend only had him. And he needs to be able to say goodbye. And I won’t wake him up while he’s gone crazy like this to make him say goodbye when he’s not ready to even admit that his boyfriend was this far along in his Alzheimer’s diagnosis to even wander away from home. Please, call a code, not time of death. Please.” The paramedic sighed softly, nodding sadly. “Thank you, and turn on the sirens and lights... Make it look like he was urgent enough.” Jooheon shook a bit as he went to get Minhyuk and Kihyun in the car, heading to the hospital. With everyone asleep, Jooheon finally had his cry, letting everything out. 

Wonho and Kihyun were so comparable in their disease. Wonho had a year or so. Kihyun was not too far behind. “God,” Jooheon mumbled. “If you even listen to me... please don’t let me love Kihyun this much. To where I go insane as he chooses to end his life some how. Wonho was an accident, but Kihyun is actively planning the end of his life when he’s lucid. Please let me love him just enough to accept that he will be happier, and safer and sane. Let me love him enough that I don’t get in the way of him and You and that I love him enough to not let him get in the way of me and You. Don’t let me love him so much that I go right after him. That wouldn’t be what he’d want. Let me love him just right, God...” 

Kihyun stirred as Jooheon parked the car. “Why are we her-” He looked up to see Minhyuk in the back seat, he could even see his tears in his sleep. “Oh no,” he whispered. “No!” Kihyun broke down into his own tears as Jooheon helps him close. “I’m fucking next,” he cried, holding onto Jooheon with all his might. He didn’t want to die yet, and this just made it feel worlds closer than they’d expected.


	15. Chapter 15

Children was a must for Kihyun. He wanted to love and cherish a child as a father should, not berate them for not being who he wanted them to be. And all he wanted was for them to be great. Nothing more, nothing less. He always knew that, and he talked about it with Jooheon all the time before he came to this point in his memory. So when you see your boyfriend being reduced to the child he wanted, you feel nothing but immense sadness when you realize your lover just can't win. 

*~*~*~*~*

Minhyuk and Kihyun got out of the car, Jooheon parking quickly. He eventually caught up to them. Minhyuk was shaking, more with anger and sadness than tears. "God, I feel like I'm going to puke, pass out and repeat." Kihyun wrapped his arm around Minhyuk's waist. It was hard for him to show people affection, period. To see Kihyun step outside of his comfort zone to help Minhyuk, it made Jooheon cry a little bit. But he didn't show it.

"Okay, Minhyuk... let's go sit down over here." Jooheon led them toward some seats. "Wonho's not looking so good... I wanted to have better news for you when you woke up, but I don't. He's in the ICU and the doctors are going to urge you to choose right now how to handle this." Jooheon held Minhyuk's hand while Kihyun laid his head on his shoulder. He had so much care around him.

Minhyuk sighed, starting to cry again. Eventually, he began laughing. "Oh God... I have all the love you two can muster up right here in front of me. But it doesn't match the love I have for Wonho." He wiped his eyes, finally returning Kihyun's side hug. "Let me know if this is uncomfortable, Kihyun." Minhyuk took a deep breath. "All of that love, all of that love I have for Wonho is telling me to do one thing. Let him go. As much as I don't want to, I have to. He's been suffering for about a year now, losing bits and pieces of himself. He was not the happy go lucky kid I knew. He was dulled by his mind and even if I could save him, I wouldn't be saving him at all." Kihyun tapped out of the hug. 

The words he spoke, he wanted to hear from Jooheon. But he knew he wouldn't be so accepting to let him go. Minhyuk let him go and Kihyun got up to pace around before putting himself against the wall. "Do you want to go now. You ready?" Jooheon asked Minhyuk, ready to lead the way.

"I am." Minhyuk sighed, standing up.

Jooheon reached for Kihyun's hand, but he refused to hold it. "Baby? What's wrong?" He asked.

Kihyun pulled himself off of the wall, crying softly. "Love me like that!" He yelled, throwing his head in his hands. "Get out of your own head for one second, and listen to me! I am dying. I will die. I'll try to kill myself, I'll wander into the street, I'll forget how to fucking breathe! And you have to do exactly what Minhyuk is doing right now. And I'm scared for the both of you." He didn't mean to blow up like that.

"Come on, baby..." Jooheon reached his hand out again. Kihyun finally took his hand, giving up. "We'll talk later." He still didn't get it. He needed to talk now, before he lost it all again.

They all walked into the ICU, looking for Wonho's room. When they got there, Minhyuk almost passed out like he swore he would. "Oh my God, Wonho." He walked up to his bedside while Jooheon got a doctor. "My baby..." he kissed his forehead, listening to the ventilator pump the breaths he used to take himself. "I wasted so much time, hurting you before. When I could have spent all that time loving you, caring for you. Being there for you. You never deserved any of the shit I gave you before. And I'm so blessed that you let me love you and take care of you through this..." 

When the doctor walked in, a sense of serenity fell over Minhyuk. "Sir, if you're ready to proceed?" Minhyuk looked up, holding Wonho's hand.

"I love you, baby. And I love you enough to stop your suffering. I just hope you remembered me before you died..." Minhyuk whimpered, kissing his hand. "I-I'm ready, Doctor." The doctor came in, slowly starting to turn off the life sustaining machines. With each click, Minhyuk slowly turned himself off. He didn't want to cry over the loss. It wasn't a loss. It was relief. He had to think of it as relief. If it wasn't, this would crush him beyond recognition.

It took a while for Wonho to fully pass away. He still had so much life in his heart. But once he did, Minhyuk went cold. That was it for him. "Minhyuk?" Jooheon asked, trying to check on him.

"He's gone... he's really gone." He bit his lip, holding his hand and holding back tears. "I can't let this hurt... he's happy, not suffering." 

Jooheon was at a loss for words. For once he couldn't say anything to help anyone and it killed him. "Minhyuk," Kihyun walked up to him, turning his head away from Wonho. "You're allowed to cry. You're allowed to grieve. If Wonho talked to you more before this happened, that is what he'd want you to do. He'd want you to cry for him. But he wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life crying for him." When Kihyun wrapped his arms around Minhyuk, that's when he let every guard down. And he cried for Wonho like he'd known him forever and a day.

It took another couple hours to get Minhyuk away from the hospital. By that time, the sun had started to come up, but it was covered by dark clouds that shaded the city. "Go ahead to the car, Kihyun." Jooheon handed him the keys. "Press that button, it'll light up for you." Kihyun forgot what car they drove by this time. "Minhyuk, how are you feeling? Do I trust you?"

Minhyuk sighed. "I mean, no, but I remind Kihyun of that guy, apparently. You don't need to coddle me." He was still numb from it all. "I mean, I-I set the alarm... he couldn't have remembered the alarm code." Jooheon hugged him softly. The guilt is what scared Jooheon. Guilt could trip anyone, and Minhyuk could feel so much.

Kihyun was okay, bringing Minhyuk home though. He knew he lost someone, he didn't mind letting them stay around friends. But Jooheon went quiet at home. "Baby?" Kihyun asked, massaging his back.

"Hmm?" He replied, pulling Kihyun's arms around his neck.

Lips moved up Jooheon's neck before speaking again. "What's on your mind?" They asked while hands ran down his chest. "Do you wanna talk about it, or do you wanna do something about it?"

Jooheon brought Kihyun's hand back up and sighed softly. He couldn't do anything about this one. Not this time. "Do you think Minhyuk will ever forgive himself?" He asked. 

Kihyun shrugged. "For what part exactly? How Wonho died or for the parts before that?" Jooheon shrugged, wanting an answer for both. "No, he may never forgive himself for how Wonho died. But he probably needed Wonho's forgiveness for anything beforehand."

And with that, Jooheon began to cry. "I'm sorry," he whispered, wiping his tears.

"What don't you forgive yourself for, Jooheon?" Kihyun looked at him, holding him tightly. There was nothing in his mind that Jooheon ever did that needed constant scrutiny, but with the fact that Kihyun could die soon, he figured it's better to forgive him for whatever.

Jooheon sniffled, turning to look Kihyun in the eye. "Leaving you at that party... I can't ever forgive myself for that, you never deserved that and I can't imagine how much it could haunt you, because it haunts me constantly. The fact that... that fucker did things to you because I wasn't there for you. I left you, and I can't ever forgive myself. You have always been there for me. You protected me when we were younger and I feel like I fail at that, at every single turn." It took Kihyun by surprise. Of all things, he didn't think Jooheon blamed himself for that.

"Baby," Kihyun sighed. "I love you. That wasn't your fault. It never has been, it never will be. And my Alzheimer's isn't your fault. I blame my parents. If my mother left, or if my father was decent, maybe I could've known about this gene beforehand. I blame my dad for almost everything. Never ever think it's your fault. I love you, you saved me." Kihyun kisses Jooheon softly. "So forgive yourself, please. I forgive you. But you know what I wouldn't forgive you for?" Jooheon sniffled, looking at him. "I wouldn't forgive you if you didn't let me die on my own terms. I'd rather take my life than forget how to breathe, or wander into traffic. I'd rather kill myself than let the Alzheimer's take me. So take care of me, and come to terms with that. The moment you do, I'll forgive you."

Jooheon nodded, shakily sighing. "We'll start searching for places in Oregon, or something." Kihyun smiles softly, holding onto Jooheon tightly. Time was running out. And it never scared Minhyuk and Wonho enough, but it scared Jooheon and Kihyun plenty.


	16. · polaroid sixteen ·

Jooheon never thought much of himself. Ever. Anyone could say anything about him, he was able to ignore it. Chances are, Jooheon's thought worse of himself than that weird fag that doesn't talk to anyone. The first time he learned to ignore what anyone had to say about him, his father had just overdosed again, his mother was a wreck and all he cared about was the pain his mother had been feeling. His father called him a good for nothing piece of shit and he couldn't give a damn about it. His words were only a reflection of himself, despite everything he already thought of himself. That's when he learned to ignore it. So one can imagine his surprise when he got to be with someone like Kihyun.

"You're just gonna let him die?" Minhyuk scoffed, catching Jooheon's attention after Kihyun went off to the bathroom.

Jooheon chuckled, putting his drink down. "Excuse me?" He asked.

Minhyuk shook his head. "Kihyun doesn't know what he wants. Don't move to fucking Oregon. Don't let his suicide note stay around."

His fuse was shorter and shorter these days. Kihyun was having less and less lucid days. "Here's an idea, mind your own boyfrie- oh my god, no." Jooheon's apology began before he could even stop his sentence.

Minhyuk fell silent, slowly stirring his coffee. "Before Wonho fell asleep, we were attempting to talk. He'd had another accident and got frustrated that he couldn't even form the right words to apologize for it. And he begged me to let him die. Two minutes later, he was asking why he was wet." Jooheon felt awful. "If Kihyun's anything like Wonho, he's not gonna know what the actual fuck he wants."

Jooheon shook his head. "Yeah well, he's not a damn thing like Wonho. Kihyun's known how he'd want to go since he was 13. After his father beat him so bad he almost killed him? Yeah, you wouldn't know about that. A DNR, life sustaining treatments for as little as two weeks, and if he was ever terminal, he'd want to go by physician assisted suicide. He's nothing like Wonho and he knows exactly what the fuck he wants." That was something that annoyed him to no end. Everyone telling him how to deal with Kihyun. That was his Kihyun, his husband, his lover for life. No one else had known Kihyun the way Jooheon knew him. He'd expect people to have the common courtesy to butt the entire fuck out. He had to put up with it from Hyungwon and Samantha, now Minhyuk? He almost had a non-existent fuse.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a nuisance," Minhyuk apologized. "I just... I feel like there's so much more I could do, even though Wonho's not here anymore."

Jooheon set his coffee down. "And I feel for you, really I do. But keep talking to me about what I should do with my husband? We will not be friends for much longer. I already have to fight him to get him to do what he needs to do for himself, I don't have time and energy to fight you too." He hated to come down on Minhyuk like that, but he couldn't deal with much more. Kihyun was running out of time, everyone knew it and Jooheon was certainly aware of it.

Minhyuk kept quiet as Kihyun came out of the bathroom. "Can we go? I-I wanna go. My dad's gonna kill me." The tears Jooheon held back were threatening to spill over every time Kihyun fell back. 

"Yeah, baby, let's go..." He smiled softly, standing up. "Hey, I've got a $10 on me, can you get the rest and I'll pay you back later? Just stop by." Minhyuk nodded as Jooheon walked with Kihyun out the door.

As they got home, there was a visitor waiting for them. "Here, take this key and go let yourself in, sweetheart." Jooheon gave Kihyun the key, watching him walk away. He approached the car, knocking on the window. "What's going on?"  
He asked, waiting for the driver to get out.

"Kihyun," Changkyun sighed, getting out of the car. "I don't understand how you do it. How you take care of someone you love like this. I still don't understand. He's gone much more nowadays. I think he's getting close to anniversaries of bad memories." He reached for his phone, playing a song for Hyunwoo.

Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows. "Are you trying to positively trigger him?" He asked.

"Bro," Changkyun groaned. "I don't fucking know what else to do!"

Jooheon sighed, "You don't trigger him." He turned off the music, looking at Hyunwoo just sitting there in the passenger's seat. He was almost nothing.

The gruff sound that came from him almost scared Jooheon. "I've got him, don't worry about him." Hyunwoo groaned.

"That's Avery... I think," Changkyun added.

Hyunwoo looked at Changkyun. "Can you take me home now? I'm fucking exhausted. September 29th is the day our father killed Avery. I'm trying not to think about it. And every fucking year, Avery tries to keep me from thinking about it. Shove your sob story of not being a caretaker up your ass, please and thank you." Hyunwoo just snapped, crossing his arms.

Changkyun sighed, “He’s not usually this angry.” He explained. “I’m sorry to bother you...” 

Jooheon sighed softly. “I can understand your stress, but please call me next time. Kihyun’s having less and less good moments and if I mess up his routine with unexpected scenarios, he’ll get stressed out and I don’t want to waste the time I have with him by trying to calm him from something completely avoidable.” With that, Jooheon walked inside, closing the door behind him.

He needed a friend, however. He really just needed his Kihyun back. A crash, along with Kihyun’s scream from the kitchen scared him out of his thoughts. “Oh my God!” He screamed.

“Kihyun?” Jooheon asked, rushing to his kitchen. “Are you okay?” There was glass all over the floor, separating Kihyun from the archway of the kitchen.

Kihyun looked down, starting to panic. “M-Mom. Go get Mom.” He whined, wiping his eyes. “I-I’m not supposed to walk around glass.”

Jooheon felt helpless. “Let me come get you.” He still had his boots on. Kihyun shook his head, crying softly to himself.

“Mom will know it was an accident. My dad’s gonna kill me!” He whimpered, pinning himself against the wall. Kihyun was so sure of his father’s temper that it terrified him. “Oh God,” he whined, crying harder.

Jooheon took a step toward him. “I can carry you across. Dad’s gonna be alright. Come on.” Jooheon took a few more steps toward him, offering to pick him up. 

“No!” Kihyun cried. “I-I’m a mess.” I guess he’s not sure that Jooheon would do anything for him, regardless of his state. 

It took him a few tries, but Kihyun eventually gave into him. After he picked him up, carrying him out of the kitchen, he offered him a snack. “Do you want maybe some crackers or something until I cook dinner?” He asked.

“No,” Kihyun sighed, grabbing at his shirt. “God, I’m so sorry.” He was soaked from the waist down. “I’m sorry. He’s gonna be so mad at me. I’ve been having nightmares a lot and he ignores how serious it is. He just makes fun of me for still wetting the bed at 14.” Jooheon remembered that year. It was the year Kihyun spent sleeping in class, almost failing ninth grade. He was determined to stop having nightmares and wetting the bed. Instead, Jooheon let him nap with his jacket during class. His scent was enough to calm Kihyun down, minimizing his bad dreams during the day at least.

Jooheon shrugged it off, taking his shoes off by the kitchen so he didn’t track any glass through the house. “Go start yourself a bath. I’ll clean up in here. Grab some pajamas too, get comfy. And trust me, Dad won’t find out.” As Kihyun turned away to go to the bathroom, Jooheon rolled his eyes. “Fuck you, man. Your fucking son needed you.” He looked down at the ground, chuckling to himself. “I hope your ass burns, since you’re the devil’s whore now.” First, Jooheon cleaned up the glass, even getting down on his hands and knees to feel for it. After he was sure it was gone, he grabbed some rags to clean up the other mess. He opened the window as well. A knock on the front door followed soon after. “It’s open!” Jooheon called, starting mop water. 

He heard the front door close. “$8.47 is what you owe me,” Minhyuk said, walking to the kitchen. “Wow, what the hell are you cooking that smells like piss?” He asked, jokingly.

Jooheon wrung out his mop partially before putting it on the floor. “It’s actual piss.” As he mopped the kitchen area where Kihyun was, he sighed heavily before leaving it to dry. “Ki broke a bowl or something and he got so scared, thinking his father was gonna beat his ass over it that he pissed himself. He’s 14 today.”

Minhyuk followed him to the couch. “I’m sorry... is this the first time?” He asked.

Jooheon shook his head. “He’s had accidents when his anxiety gets bad. It’s not distinctly related to his Alzheimer’s yet. He hasn’t started confusing the kitchen for the bathroom.” But damn, Jooheon was tired. “Once that happens, we really gotta move to Oregon. And I can’t afford to move to Oregon right now. But I know it’s around the fucking corner.” Jooheon, in a fury, threw the tv remote against the wall over Sadie’s crate, scaring her awake.

Minhyuk jumped as well. “Shit, Jooheon.” The two sat in silence for a while. “Maybe we can all move to Oregon? You guys, me... that kid and his boyfriend? I know he’s been looking forward to some changes too. Maybe we can all help you guys.”

Jooheon smiled a bit. “That’s sweet,” he sighed. “But that’s not what Kihyun wants. And we’ve been priding ourselves on taking care of each other and everything since his parents died...” Jooheon froze for a second. In what sense of that sentence was any of that okay?

“Well,” Minhyuk sighed, getting closer to Jooheon. “You’re gonna need help. And it’s okay to ask for it.” He took Jooheon’s hand, squeezing gently. “You know you can ask me? I’m here for you.”

Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m here for you too, man.” He smiled disarmingly.

Minhyuk wasn’t catching on, or he was and just decided to do whatever he wanted anyway. “Then be here for me,” he said, leaning in to give Jooheon a kiss.

Jooheon’s eyes widened, trying to get Minhyuk off of him. He eventually had to jump up. “Bro, what the fuck are you doing?” He asked, wiping his mouth. He caught movement in his peripheral vision and he felt his soul leave his body. “Kihyun,” he mumbled, walking to him.

Kihyun backed away. “Y-You know I love you, right?” He asked. “Yeah, we hide from my parents, but you do know that I love you with all my fucking heart? I don’t tell you how I want to grow old with someone for nothing, Jooheon. You realize I fucking love you? Or are you just fucking stupid?” Kihyun’s eyes welled up with tears as he began to turn around.

“Kihyun,” Jooheon said, trying to keep up with him. “Sweetheart, you know I love you. We’re married...” Jooheon forgot for a second. “No, you know I plan on marrying you. You know I love you too, baby.”

The cold laugh that erupted from Kihyun chilled Jooheon to his bones. “Are we a thing? Because if we are, you just fucking cheated on me. And I don’t love a fucking cheater.” With that, Kihyun shut the door in his face. Jooheon never thought much of himself but he didn’t know that one was gonna hurt like that. Nothing has hurt him like that before. Not in years.

Jooheon walked back to the living room and Minhyuk had the fucking audacity to still be sitting on his fucking couch. “Get the fuck out,” Jooheon said, voice breaking. “That’s my fucking husband in there, you fucking bitch. I’m sorry your... whatever he was to you is dead and I’m sorry you feel guilty over all the shit you gave him while he was alive, guilty that you took your eye off of him.” He had no more patience. “You fucking home-wrecker. I don’t take my fucking eyes off of Kihyun. I haven’t for 20 fucking years, I don’t want to hear shit you have to fucking say to me about Wonho and how you’re sad and shit. Go fuck with Changkyun. He’s looking for a way out, give it to him. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll get the fuck out of my house while I go fucking make sure my husband is okay. Don’t make me throw you out!” He screamed, letting go of anything he could use to hurt him. He didn’t care, all he cared about was making sure Kihyun was okay.

“I’m sorry,” Minhyuk mumbled. “Is he gonna be okay?” He asked.

Jooheon rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t process his feelings. Not only is he in denial about having Alzheimer’s, he sure as hell doesn’t remember. All he knows is that his boyfriend just cheated on him. He’s a flight fucking risk to self harm. Get the fuck out of my house!” Jooheon just went back to the bedroom, opening the door. 

“Get out!” Kihyun screamed.

Jooheon shook his head, closing the door. “No, sweetheart. He kissed me, I didn’t know he would. I’m sorry, love.” He wrapped his arms tightly around Kihyun, taking deep breaths. He even begin to shed tears. “I would never hurt you like that, Kihyun. I love you.”

Kihyun sighed, pulling his face to his. “Goddamn you for making me love you,” he sniffled, lips trailing down Jooheon’s neck. Kihyun could never stay mad at his love, he had a good one. That much, he knew.


	17. · polaroid seventeen ·

"This is awful!" Jooheon laughed. "Never would you ever set up a Tinder profile! I dared you but I didn't think you'd do it!" He wrapped his arms around Kihyun, kissing his cheek softly. "I guess you made it awful on purpose, considering you got me."

Kihyun smiled softly, swiping through the pictures he used. A few cute selfies, sure. But most of the chosen nine were of him and Jooheon. "Sometimes people use this to invite a third person. I've seen about three profiles like that so far." Jooheon chuckled a bit and Kihyun didn't laugh with him.

It took a while but it clicked. "No, Kihyun... you're not serious?" He asked.

"Why not? Maybe just once." Wow, Jooheon was certainly learning more about his beloved Kihyun.

Jooheon scoffed, completely shocked... and maybe a little turned on. But he would never admit that. "You're mine and only mine, you know that. I don't even want anyone else." He attacked Kihyun's neck with kisses, leading him off to their bedroom.

*~*~*~*~*

If Jooheon was not who he was, he could see himself being far more like Changkyun. Not in the "control your partner's mental state" kind of way. Absolutely not. The "looking for a fling" kind of way. Never in a million years would Jooheon leave Kihyun, but he was definitely feeling lonelier and lonelier these days. And Kihyun could notice, he just couldn't put his finger on what he felt. Kihyun could give Jooheon a simple look and he'd want to jump his bones. But he was stuck in a limbo. He didn't know if it was ever appropriate to ask Kihyun for sex. If it was ever appropriate to come onto him, and hope he caught on. Granted, he often went back to being 12 and 13, the years where they knew how much they wanted to other, but the other never quite knew. He'd probably push Jooheon away, embarrassed.

But when Kihyun grabbed his coat and vested Sadie up, it caught Jooheon's attention. "Where are you going?" Jooheon asked.

"You're going on a date while I stay with Mom for the night. She hasn't seen you or me in a while, ever since... you know." So, Kihyun was lucid, giving his boyfriend up for a date, all the while, volunteering to stay with Jooheon's mom as a caretaker?

Jooheon scoffed. "I'm not going on a date if it's not with you, don't even play like that." He turned his attention back to the television.

Kihyun rolled his eyes. "Well, clearly you aren't that interested in me anymore. When's the last time we even had sex, Jooheon?" He asked. Jooheon opened his mouth to speak, until he really had to think about when the last time was. "Exactly," Kihyun shrugged. 

This whole situation was easily becoming infuriating. "Sweetheart, you know I'm interested in you. You never fail to lose my interest. I love you." Kihyun shrugged again, putting his coat back.

"You still need someone after I'm gone. This is a perfect time, Jooheon." Kihyun came back to sit on the couch with Jooheon. "It'd make me feel better, knowing you'd have someone." His arms wrapped around Jooheon's waist as he snuggled up to him.

Jooheon looked at him with a small smile. "Are you trying to get me set up? Like you're really buttering me up right now." 

His boyfriend smiled a bit. "Either do me now or find someone else to do. I'm needy." Jooheon shifted Kihyun to lay back on the couch, hovering over him slightly.

"Well, I have been careful," Jooheon admitted, kissing down Kihyun's neck, shoving off his cardigan. 

And of course, Jooheon's phone had to go off. "Fuck me!" Kihyun groaned, covering his face.

Jooheon laughed as he grabbed his phone. "Listen, I'm trying!" They laughed for a bit as he checked his phone. "Oh fuck," Jooheon groaned, letting his head drop. "We can get a quickie in right? I guess I'm the fucking Superman in this town, I gotta go fix something. But I don't want to. I wanna give us a fix. It's well needed, right?"

Kihyun furrowed his eyebrows. "Are you thinking about yourself for once?" He asked, arms draped over his lover's shoulders.

"Well," Jooheon chuckled, grabbing Kihyun by the waistband of his jeans. "Me and my husband." 

Kihyun paused for a second. "The husband says that's perfectly okay." And off they went.

After they spent a quality hour together, Jooheon took Kihyun with him to Minhyuk's. Apparently there was an emergency that he needed him for. Changkyun opening the front door made he realize just how much of an emergency it was. "Oh my fucking God..." Jooheon sighed, holding Kihyun's hand as they walked in. "Minhyuk?" He called out.

"He locked himself in the bathroom afterward..." Changkyun said, clearly panicking.

Jooheon just glared at him. "I really hope that was worth the shit you're gonna be in with Hyunwoo." He was beyond pissed. It literally wasn't that hard to stay faithful, he felt like. He pulled Changkyun to the side, lowering his voice. “Get that panic out of your system, take Kihyun on a ride. Give me 45 minutes at least.” 

Changkyun nodded, taking a deep breath. “Kihyun, let’s go get some food.” Jooheon watched carefully as Kihyun and Changkyun left. 

“Minhyuk?” Jooheon called out again. He ran upstairs to the bathroom. He wasn’t above putting holes in the door. He just beat his fists against the door as he called for Minhyuk.

“Shut the fuck up, I have a headache,” Minhyuk groaned. “The door’s been fucking open.” He said. When Jooheon opened the door, he expected as much. An empty pill bottle on the counter. It was basically an industrial size bottle of ibuprofen.

Jooheon’s eyes narrowed as he grabbed Minhyuk by the waist. “If you don’t throw that shit up right now, I’ll fucking make you.” 

Minhyuk laughed a bit. “What do you care?” He asked. “You’re done with me, Wonho’s fucking dead, I literally just screwed Changkyun as if he doesn’t have someone waiting on him at home. I’m back to my high school self and I completely hated that bastard.” Jooheon rolled his eyes. He had no time for the pity party Minhyuk was throwing.

“Open your mouth,” Jooheon said, walking him over to the toilet. He kicked up the seat with his foot, still keeping a hold on Minhyuk. “I’m not fucking playing with you right now, Minhyuk. Open your fucking mouth.” Jooheon was pretty sick of this shit. 

As he grabbed Minhyuk’s jaw, Minhyuk tried to bite. “Let me go!” He screamed.

Jooheon swiftly pinned Minhyuk against the counter. “You have a life to live! You’re fucking 25 years old, you have a life left to live. Go fucking live it. You’ll find another love, you’ll be happy again. I’m not letting you kill yourself, even if I have to gag you my fucking self!” No one gave Jooheon credit for how strong he really was.

He pulled Minhyuk up again, leading him back to the toilet. He wasn’t kidding, he was ready to gag Minhyuk. “Stop it! I’ll do it myself...” Jooheon couldn’t really trust Minhyuk and he’d rather do it himself. But it would probably be less traumatic if he let Minhyuk take charge.

Jooheon let Minhyuk go, standing between him and the bathroom door. “I’m not leaving until you’re in an ambulance, headed to the hospital. Go on,” he said, grabbing his phone and calling emergency. “Hello, I need an ambulance. My friend overdosed on ibuprofen. He’s trying to throw it up now. No, it’s a fucking industrial bottle. The door’s unlocked.” Jooheon sighed, sliding down the door. “Minhyuk, come here.” He said, laying his legs out in front of him. “You can come lay here.” Minhyuk nodded, laying his head down in his lap. “You know, Kihyun’s trying to set me up on a date?” He laughed a bit.

Minhyuk chuckled softly. “Why?” He asked.

“He thinks it’s time for me to look.” Jooheon sighed a bit. “You’re going to be happy Minhyuk. Your happiness does not die with Wonho.”

Minhyuk shrugged softly. “Won’t your happiness die with Kihyun? You can’t be a hypocrite about this.” They sat in silence until the ambulance came.


End file.
